new home

Hey guys… I moved the blog.. I needed a new start.. here is the new address if your interested

http://thesuicideofjane.blogspot.com/

Right now it’s just a recap of what happened.

The Down low

So I feel pretty….put out. I guess.

The basic story is, Seth flipped out. He broke everything I own, tried to OD and told the social worker that we were all sleeping together.

Sissy has been in an uproar. One minute I have her calmed down and the next she is hysterical. The big hurdle was wensday, the day of group. The day came and went…slowly. I didn’t go to group. Sissy and I discussed the worse that could happen. My social worker told RC and he decided to end the group. So I agreed to not go for Sissy, so she could deny everything. And that is what happened. Okay, well I was prepared for that and so was Sissy…So she said.

RC told the whole group that me and/or my husband said we were sleeping with Sissy and we broke group policy and boundries and whatever. All the girls are now pissed at me. Not for the group ending…

Sissy did what she had to do. She denyed everything. And because she did, now I am the enemy. The girls hate me for “What I did to her”. I am not going back on any of it…But god I feel dumb. I would have and did everything for that girl and I paid the price. Just to have her ignore me. And then when she did talk to me is was so she could tell me she didn’t want to talk to me.

I should have known. She is no diffrent than any of the other girls. I even told her why I was scared to open up to her. HA and she said she was diffrent. I completely and 100 percent took the blame for her actions and Seth’s. And all she could do was dump me. Go fucking figure. That’s what happens when you trust someone.

Anyways so that’s the basics. I have to go to Domestic Violence group and I start college in june and my surgery is the 25th of may. The kids are on vacation for two weeks with grandma while we start counsiling and start over, with out Sissy.

I can’t believe I fell for that shit. Again.

And the funny thing is…As angry as I am…I am more hurt and upset. Everyone said she was my soul mate. And she was too. She was in my head. Anyways yeah…There ya go. More trailor park drama.

And the one person I ever truely fell in love with, hates me for something I didn’t even do. I hate my life!!

Drive

I dream of her every night. Her touching me…Her fingertips…Her hair. Her lips…I want to kiss them so bad. I want to hold her. I want to tell her it’s okay. And I will protect her.  Tell her that she doesn’t have to be scared anymore. That I will save her.

“If you want this
if you want this
if you want this, youre gonna have to ask
nicely please
yeah if you want this
youre gonna have to ask me
youre gonna have to ask me
Whatever you want
Ill give it to you
Ill give it to you slowly
till youre just begging me to hold you
ya whatever you want
whatever you want
but youre gonna have to ask me
Your mouth waters
stretched out on my bed
your fingers are trembling
and your heart is heavy and red
and your head is bent back
and your back is arched
my hand is under there
holding you up
Ill hold you up
and drive you all night
Ill hold you up
and drive you baby till you feel the daylight
Ill hold you up
and drive you all night
Ill hold you up
and drive you till you feel the daylight
thats right
thats right
In the kitchen
in the shower
and in the back seat of my car
Ill hold you up
in your office
preferably during business hours
cause you know how I like it when theres people around
and I know how you like it
yeah I know how you like it
I know how you like it when I tease you for hours
Your mouth waters
stretched out on my bed
your fingers are trembling
and your heart is heavy and red
and your head is bent back
and your back is arched
and my hand is under there
holding you up
Ill hold you up
and drive you all night
Ill hold you up
and drive you baby till you feel the daylight
Ill hold you up
and drive you all night
Ill hold you up
and drive you till you feel the daylight
oh and this has just begun
Yeah this has just begun
because we havent even gotten started yet
I havent even
I havent even tied you up
I havent even turned you over
this is where I want to live
right here between your hips
where all the love you hold and hide
its where it lives
right here between your hips
this is where I want to live
its where all the love you give exists
Your mouth waters
stretched out on my bed
your fingers are trembling
and your heart is heavy and red
your head is bent back
your back is arched
my hand is under there
holding you up
Ill hold you up
and drive you all night
Ill hold you up
and drive you baby till you feel the daylight
Ill hold you up
and drive you all night
Ill hold you up
and drive you baby till you feel the daylight
thats right
yeah
thats right
thats right
thats right
Ill hold you up
thats right
thats right
Ill drive you all night”

scattered.

I’m in a wierd place these days. Once again I found utter happiness and it is destroyed and taken from me.

Today is sunday, I should be prancing around cause tomorrow is monday. Monday. Sissy is coming monday night and staying tuesday night too!!

Today is Sunday. I am depressed and down and just want to cry. Cause tomorrow is Monday and she isn’t coming. She doesn’t want to. She can’t.

In a matter of two days I lost most my possesions. I almost los tmy children. My father is upset and can’t even look at me. My girlfriend…My friend is no longer my girlfriend. My pride is hurt. My feelings are hurt.

It never seems to fail….when he fucks up…When he ruins my life…I get punished. I lose it all.

Today I feel very bitter. I should be cleaning up the house…but why bother My kids aren’t coming home.  And nobody is coming over…now. I am resentful. I have a temper, I lose control sometimes, but is it all things that are repairable. My stuff isn’t repairable. I have to even watch what I say, cause now it’s inappropriate.

It’s not okay for me to think about her lying next to me. To think about kissing her. To hold her hand and sing to her.

With Seth…Things are slowly getting better. Jus tlike before we are slowing picking up the pieces. Him, from the house. And me, from my life. We have talked without screaming. But for the most part I keep my feeling to myself. Things will work out between us. They always do. This time is a little diffrent cause he is getting treatment. And we are going to marriage counsiling and domestic violence councling. So maybe it could be better this time.

I am not worried aobut us. We will be fine, it’s not like we haven’t been here before. And I can’t get Sissy to understand that. I am giving her her space. I am trying not to call her. And let her call me and it’s so hard. My dad and my sister tell me she is my soul mate. She is the one person in all this world that I was meant to find and who was meant to find me. And I scared her away.

I had soemthing I wrote for her. But now I just feel stupid, so I threw it away. But she knows me, so some where in her heart she knows what it said.

Anyhow…I can’t really vent…this keyboard is really gross and I don’t want to get upset all over again. A

As far a Seth goes…I love you. I hate you. But I love you. Things are going to change.

Sissy….Well she knows how I feel. And I don’t like to make her feel guilty for doing the right thing. I love you.

I had a really good post. But I guess I just need some time to think. Sissy is interested in the BDSM. And for the most part….OMG it was a great weekend. There was a couple things and what not and Sissy was sick. But she is doing better. She is coming next week…Oh god less than a week. She is coming next monday…SQWEEEEE..lol

I need to do some serious posting. Maybe tomorrow after the chores are done.

Good night

janey

Something good

Okay….well wow….So Sissy made it here finally. She left to go hang out with her friend. So I had to drink to catch up with her. lol Time, let me tell ya, was snail pacing! So we worked on my tattoo. Sissy called to check in and tell me her she was leaving soon. She asked how her kids were…asleep! Woot! She said good, then she can come home and kiss me….HEHE *Blush.

One of the cool things about her…She can read my mind. Like, seriously. Every thought or feeling I have, she has it to. She usually, okay always, says it first. I am to chicken shit. lol But she knows everytime.

When she got here she kissed me right away..I think I either melted into the couch or came. Maybe both. lol She kissed Seth to. So he didn’t feel left out. At one point we ended up sitting together and making out…But it wasn’t just making out…It was…wow I don’t think I even have words for it. It was moving and stirring and I have waiting so long to kiss her like that.  And as close as I was to her, it just wasn’t close enough. We ended up doing a new tattoo on my leg and just hanging out till late. When we finally went to bed….God…

You could cut the tension with a knife. I suggested a smoke. lol The three of us knew where things were heading, but nobody new how to start it or say it.

Before we had gone to bed Seth was acting wierd. I know he wanted to fuck her, but he was afraid to say it to me, I think. So I knew he was thinking about her. And I was thinking about her. We must have talked for a full 20 minutes about it, and then it was akward, well now we know but how to start.

Anyways…God…I don’t even have words to say what I am thinking or feeling. I have wanted to touch her so bad. To kiss her and feel her and touch her…and god…All these things….Everything about her is just so perfect and I watned my hands all over her. I let Seth fuck her most the time. I was content getting to lay with her and touch her. And her breast…They are just sooo perfect I can’t even explain it…Fuck I have so much to say, so much I want to explain…But there just aren’t enough words.

I got to go down on her and wow…just wow…It’s been along time since I have been in that position. And Seth was fucking me at the same time, so my hand weren’t free to wonder…But oh god…She reached down and grabbed my hair, she didn’t pull it, just held on to it. I could have stayed there all night! And then Seth made a comment about her shaving for his b-day this weekend…Omg It is so beautiful the way it is, I can’t wait to see it all.

God I sound like a perv. lol  Oh and there was this one moment…mmm. Seth had to go get batteries or something and we had a minute to ourselves. See, I had this idea that when her and I finally got to be together, it would be…what’s the word…Sensual, I guess. I didn’t want it to be about fucking. I wanted to be able to touch every part of her body and feel every part of her and taste her. To feel her rub herself against me….but I also knew that it probably wouldn’t happen. Seth even said, if he can’t be part of it then he didn’t want it to happen. But, now, It’s a different story. He got his, so he can’t bitch when I get mine.

Anyways, what I was getting to was he had to leave for a minute and her and I were laying side by side…And were kissing and she was rubbing against me and oh god! lol I sound like an idiot I know. But I wanted it to go on foever.

So those were some of the high points. The next morning was okay. There was no regrets or anything like that. But Seth had been acting all wierd. He decided that he is in love with her too. *Sigh…I am doing my best at handling this. I am secure enough with Sissy that I know he couldn’t take her from me  or anything along those lines. What gets me is that….The crafts, the doll house, the tattooing, college, all of it. I did it, so he had to also. This is just another thing. But this one, I don’t think I can drop. She is mine and I love her so much. And I can’t imagine not having her in my life. I have come to the point today that I am okay with it. Sissy says just leave things how they are and see how things go on there own. And I am good with that. I just wish Seth didn’t make it out to be the end of the world. I don’t need no more drama than I already got.

But that is my only rant. I am so happy right now, just reveling in the other night and the nights to come. Seth’s birthday is this weekend. So Sissy will be here friday and saturday. And my sister will be here, but she knows everything. lol I can’t wait, And it’s not even the sex thing. Well maybe alittle bit…But it’s here. I love having her here and getting to spend time with her!

Anyways, so yay for the great mood. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I’m waiting for the bomb to crash…But I am being postive about it. lol Sissy says as long as we think positive then positive energy is what goes out.

So much for postive thinking…..

janey

Nothing to say

I feel a little weird writing now. lol Sissy asked to read this blog and I argued a bit, but eventually I gave in and gave her the link. God it was embarrassing…I think I might get a break on this one cause she is reading back entries so she isn’t at the first page. lol And now she is coming to stay the night tonight…YAY! She is actually going out with a friend of hers. But the bar is not 50 feet from my house. So I am going to drink and hang out with Seth till she gets home and then we are going to hang out.

I don’t think she realizes the position i am in. lol She was saying when she gets home she is going to give me a lap dance. haha I joked back…Should I get ones?  She (on the phone) picked up that I was blushing. But it’s not embarasment that she said something sexual, or kinky..It’s because she says things that trigger thoughts…and dreams…and day dreams. lol That is what is embarasing.

I know Seth will be mad at me for writing this. But I am okay with that. He knew in the begining that I liked girls and marring him, or any man, doesn’t change that. I didn’t purposesly fall in love her. And it was a shock to me that she felt the same way. But this is what it is. And Idon’t want to have to hide it.

There are so many things I think of when I think of her. And…There is no one to tell. I want to share with Seth, but yeah, we all know that is not a good idea. I share some with Ann, but she doesn’t want to her all that. Sissy makes me so happy to be around. I am absolutely giddy that she is going to be here in about an hour, even though she will leave right after that. I get excited to talk to her and even more so to see her. I don’t try to push Seth out. I haven’t at all. But he makes me wonder sometimes if…..I don’t know, if maybe telling him was a bad idea. But even if I didn’t tell him, he would still act the same way.

I had a lot more to write, but I deleted half of it. Seth would read it and be pissy, or Sissy would read, and then I would never be able to face her again. lol Besides, A picture is worth a thousand words.

janey

The diffrence in love…For lilly

Wow…You know how to make a girl think sometimes…

There is a diffrence in the way I love Sissy compared to the way I love Seth….

What they are is hard to explain, I hadn’t ever really thought about it.

Seth has changed a bit over the years. His temper isn’t so bad as it used to be. And he helps out alot more around the house and with the kids. We still don’t talk so well. I don’t feel I can talk to him honestly, I always have to watch what I say and how I say it. As far as how I love him, I just don’t know how to explain.

The more I am thinking about this and writing it…The more trouble I see brewing. If I don’t make it sound the same then Seth will get jealous and it will start a fight, like all my other post.

The thing is I do love him like I love her. The diffrence is I don’t see her everyday. She doesn’t pressure me for sex constantly. That is the diffrence. When I do get to see her, I want to be with her and spend time with her. And I spend the whole time in anticipation..For what? I don’t know…Anything! I have butterflies flipping the fuck out and I can’t breath and my heart races.

I used to feel that way when Seth had a job. When it was getting close to time for him to come home I would feel that same way. And I couldn’t wait to spend time with him. I wish he could be a little understanding of that. She lives 30 minutes away. And with gas the way it is..And we don’t even have a car…So we don’t get to see each other much. I want to spend time with even though we are together all the time, but spending time together, for him, is sex. Sissy doesn’t expect that of me.

The diffrence in the way I love them is….Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I have to cherish the moments I have with her. Seth? I am with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I do love him and I want to spend time with him all the time. But when Ifinally get an opprotunity to be with her, I want to.

Something else you mention is that, with Sissy I have a best friend. That is true. We started out with a friendship. We liket he same music and movies. We share common intrest. Seth and I don’t. And our relationship was built on sex, not friendship. And when it comes down it….Even if there was no spark between Sissy and me, I would still cherish our friendship as much as I do now. Cause I have never had a friend like her. The falling in love with her? That’s just a bonus.

I kissed a girl

Most appropraite? lol Sissy came over today, just to stop by for a few minutes. She came to pick up something. I gave it to her and she leaned in to give me a kiss…We have kissed before…Just a quick muah. But this time….This time was different. This time she lingered. And then got nervous. She backed away to look at me and, I think to make sure I didn’t freak..And then kissed again…Wow…HAHAHA I don’t even know what to say. I suddenly wanted her sooooo bad.

….She couldn’t stay long she had an appointment to go to…I followed her ot the door

Seth followed to.

She gave the kids a kis goodbye.

I waited.

I went to hug her.

(She doesn’t know how Seth feels about all this and niether do I. One minute he is fine the next he’s not. So I think she was a little bit nervous with him standing there.)

I went to put my arm around her.

I stopped at her face.

She kissed me again.

She stayed there for so long.

HE HE HE HE

I could have just melted into her.

I had to shout somewhere…Seth gets mad when I share my feelings with him.

What am I feeling?

I am in such a weird place these days…Like I am watching my life from the outside…Staring in through a window.

Nothing has been very bad. Nothing has really changed. I am still married. I am still in love with Sissy. I still have kids. Still getting ready for school.

I just feel reserved. I never really talk about my feelings. I did for a bit. It bothered Seth that I never talked about my feelings, so I started. But he never seemed to listen and when he did he didn’t care. So I guess I just closed up again. I only say what is necessary to my sanity. Now I am to the point I feel like I am going to explode. And the thing is, I don’t even know what I am really feeling.

Seth reads this blog, I don’t know how often, but he usually misinterprets what I am trying to say. This is my place to regurgitate everything building up in my head. And he takes it more as a place to bash him.  I don’t write here much any more because of this. Maybe I should invest in a hand written journal. But I like the feed back.

I joined a yahoo group. It is for women in my situation, married but in love with a woman. These women are all different ages and at diffrent points in their relationship. Some moved to divorce and some have found their husband understanding and accepting, they make it work. Some have open marriages, and some have tried that to have it end very badly. I haven’t talked on the group yet. I am pretty young compared to the rest. I forgot to live my life before I settled down.

Sometimes I feel I am wrong. If Seth were to tell me he was in love with another…I would be hurt and I don’t know how I would deal with that. If he wanted to leave to be with this other than okay. I am sure I would feel jealousy. I am a very jealous person…And so is Seth. He says he is not jealous of Sissy. And he shouldn’t be. I don’t have sex with her and most the time I spend with her, he is there too. Her birthday was last week and we all went out to a couple clubs and danced and it was really great. I had an amazing time. But Seth….I don’t really even know what his problem was. He was angry with me the whole time and fighting with me. Even the next day after I left her house, I was with my dad for his surgery. And he still was fighting with me. He kept asking me what happened the night me and Sissy and a couple other girls went out. What happened? We drank, we danced, we gambled. and danced some more. Even after we were done arguing he still asked again what REALLY happened that night. *sigh….

We have no trust in our realtionship.  We both have given each other reasons to not trust each other.

I don’t know how I feel about Seth. I love him, I know that. But, there are different ways to love somebody. I try to not be sensitive around him. Otherwise I would be hurt all the time. Sex, as always, has been an issue lately. I don’t want it. Every movie I have watched, every song I have heard has had something to do with rape. It’s like…if you are a smoker, and you are out of smokes…every where you turn everyone has got a damn cigarette. Yeah…So even my dreams are about rape now. I explained this to Seth, he said he understands, but he didn’t. He wants to be close to me, but the only way he wants to be close to me is with sex. I stopped sleeping on the couch and went back to bed. To give it another try since I had finally opened up and told him how I felt. But it started again. I was going to start sleeping on the couch last night. But Bean was sick so I slept in bed and let her sleep with me. I know I am not supposed to use the kids like that. But really, I don’t know what to do anymore. I have come out and said no. I have explained why I feel that way. But whenever I tell him no, he leaves me alone till I fall asleep and then wakes me up 3 or 4 times trying to do it anyways.

I want to go back to the couch. Or maybe we can take turn on who has to sleep in the living room. The rape group is on vacation till sometime around the 15th. But I don’t know if I am going back to it. It is supposed to be helpful and support and all that. But look what it’s done…It has stirred up all these feelings again and now I am back where I started with the nightmares and flashbacks.

I haven’t gone to see RC either. I already know what he thinks, that this is never going to end. I have spent 4 years trying to teach Seth that rape is wrong, and that love is not about sex. And where have I gotten? No where. So what is the point in going back in there and having to tell him the same shit…I gave in a took it, cause it buys me at least a week of peace. And he pulls out his abuse wheel and shows me where I fit in and then….Fuck it’s just an endless cycle.

Sissy wants me to come over for a week in June. Her husband has to go out of town. It’s not anything dirty or anything. We both know we are not in a position to add something as intamate as sex. I haven’t told her yet…But if Seth can’t go then I am not going to. (Cue RC with his damn abuse wheel) Even if Seth says it is okay and whatever, it won’t be. He will be texting me and calling me. And he will find something to fight with me about to make my time there miserable. And, as much as I love Sissy, it’s just not worth it to me.

This post is so all over the place…I have been holding so many thoughts and feelings in that I don’t even know what I think anymore. I don’t know how I feel. I stared at this white screen for the longest time before deciding what to write….And when I did start typing there was so many things flowing that I just end up bouncing all over the place.

But the thing is. I have to write. I have to say what I feel and think. And if Seth doesn’t like it, then he shouldn’t be reading it. Cause I have tried telling him how I feel and it doesn’t work. And there is so much bottled up in me that I going to start ripping at the seems. This blog alone will start an argument as soon as he reads it. It always does.

Right now he is pacing around cause I have to have sex with him and he is impatient. lol We don’t ever make love or anything like that..it’s always just fucking. Tonight he says he wants to make love…..I don’t know how to feel about that. Love requires us both to be into it, and us both to be sharing a mutal feeling. And he feeling….When do I get to cum. And I am feeling….nothing, usually. Flashes of memories, reminding me that, that is the same face he made when he…………………………..yeah….

I am going to get this done and hopefully get some sleep. I gotta long day tomorrow.