So I had a job interview last week. She was supposed to call on monday, never did. So I called her today. I didn’t get it. Big surprise. Dad says I should go voulenteer there and then reapply. So I think that is what I am going to do.
Today I went out with D. We went and walked around Wal Mart. I had to get some craft stuff for my doll house. We talked alot, which was really cool. We have been spending alot of time talking with each other. I have little quorks, and I told her a few of them. Mostly she laughed at me. The others she cried with me over.
She asked me about the D/s and how it was going. I never told her the full story of what happened. But I explained it to her. I told her how alone I feel and unwanted. She said she can’t understand, cause she hasn’t been in my situation. But she hugged me and told me she loves me. I’m glad she is my friend. Sometimes I hate her, other times I don’t know what I would do without her.
Seth and I sat down and talked a couple weeks ago. He said he wants it all back. That he may not show it, but it hurts him too, that it’s gone. He asked what I wanted. I told him. I want things like they were when we started. I had rules and punishments, and he paid attention and he did his part. Then, the more the sex came on the less the D/s was. He said okay. Then jumped right back to if we could play with all toys that night. *sigh. I know, I should have expected that.
I could help but throw out the “See, I told you” card. He doesn’t want it without all the sex and hitting and shit.
I think alot about the people that have offered to be my “Online Dom.” Honestly…WTF? I mean I just don’t see that working. And besides that, Seth doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want me to find someone who wants what I want. In some ways I take this as he doesn’t want me to be happy. But I know it is just the jealousy in him. If he can’t give it to me then nobody else should. And in his shoes I would be upset if he had another slave too. So there is some understanding. I just doesn’t want to. You know what I mean.
Other times I think…It would be so nice. They know my situation, they understand how I feel. And they are willing to fill that hole for me. To put all that effort, just for me. To set rules and standards. (The punishments, just throw me. I don’t know how that would work.)
D has a bunch of friends she has met on phone chat lines. And she is really close to one. She brought op the whole D/s and all that to him and he is so down with it now. He wants all the websites and everything. So when he comes here he is “in the know.” I think it’s cool. I don’t if she can take it all, but she likes some parts of it already. Plus I will have “real” friends to talk about this stuff with.
This is all the shit plauging my mind right now. lol I think I am going to change the direction of this blog. The more i keep up with other BDSMers, the more jealous I get. I just don’t know what direction to take it. lol Maybe interestin sexy stories or something. Blah..whatever..
~~jane
