starting again

I found this qoute at: http://friskeykitten.wordpress.com/

“The cruelest thing a Master can do to a girl is to make her fall for Him when He doesn’t intend to catch her fall.” ~ Unknown

It speaks volumes. I can see how it can be taken diffrent ways though. Such as love, falling in love with one who was solely master and not lover.

But I saw it a bit diffrent…

Seth knows how much living this type of life means to me, or atleast he should. It has nothing to do with sex or S and M. It is the control that I crave, that I need. It’s knowing that if he says to do the dishes, that I better do them or else…

I feel that in something as simple as him holding me. Yeah he can and has held/hold me before all the D/s. But the feeling is diffrent. The feeling now is that he owns me, and protects me and is my everything. Without it, it just feels like another man, like so many others, just holding his girlfriend.

The simpliest things take on a whole new meaning when you add the D/s in the mix. I do chores because I have to, because no one else will dare lift a finger to help. But to do them because I have to is another story. I am doing them because he wants them done. Because he said so.

You all have heard me bitch and cry over how hurt I am about him “wanting” to pick up the reins but not doing it. Now he has decided to do it. I am not holding my breath. Not out of doubt or…okay well I guess it is out of doubt. What makes now any diffrent from the last few months? what has changed that he is suddenly going to be the Master he was before?

Nothing.

Nothing has changed. He demeanor hasn’t changed. The way he has been handling things or me hasn’t changed. He has talked about rules and a temporary collar. I have made one, with the intention of giving or selling it to a friend. I do not see myself being collared for a long time. Why? Trust. How can I trust the same shit won’t happen all over again?

I don’t want to be given a collar just to go back to plan jane, depressed, housewife. I showed him this blog post http://www.socialperversion.com/2008/07/the-basics/from conquor4love.

He liked the way he has things set up. The idea to me was, the rules are basic. Baisic enough that they are remembered as there are three main rules:

Rule #1 : My way may not be the best way, the fastest way or even the correct way but it is the only acceptable way.
Rule #2 : “No” is never an acceptable response to a command that is given.
Rule #3 : Do as I say.

Simple, huh. And he can set daily rituals to how he wants them. In the begining we had that list floating around..128 rules or something like that. We had narrowed it down to the ones that worked for us, that still came out to like 80 some odd rules. And you know, he remember every single rule. And kept up on them everyday. Now he can’t remember that I am supposed to ask to do anything. And punishments are just threats, they never are followed through.

Now I am not putting Seth down at all. I am saying this is how things are. Now he wants to go for it again. Dive in. I am resisting. For the most part I do not try to. It has become a defence. A way to protect myself from getting hurt. I am ready to call it good, count my loses and deal, rather than fall again.

But I want it so bad. I want what was there 9 months ago. I am in no way a slave, atleast not a very good one. As kaya once said I am not submissive, you want it, your gonna have to take it. That’s the way I am. I can’t help that.

I am doing my best, though I am resisting startign up again…I can’t take the hurt. He’s jsut let me fall so many times….I don’t think he will catch me….

“The cruelest thing a Master can do to a girl is to make her fall for Him when He doesn’t intend to catch her fall.” ~ Unknown

~~jane