Do you really wanna know?
Conqour4love metioned it’s been a couple days since I updated. What do I say? Do you all really want to hear the same shit I have been writing for months now?
Nothing has happened. I am not placing all the blame on him. Right now there is nothing. We are just husband and wife. For a few days there was the sir rule. I have to call him sir. And I had to ask to get on the pc. That’s about it. He has some other rules he wanted. He wanted me to write them down so they would be right in front of him and he would remember them. The first two days it didn’t happen I had gotten a migraine. So he gave me leeway. The next day, last night I went to Reno. So again they didn’t get done.
Seth is not a morning person and I am up and down all night. All the kids got up at 7 this morning. But I was okay I wasn’t going to let it get me. But Seth was pissed off and it instantly put me in a bad mood. I tried to just keep to myself, but he kept on me all morning and it just led to more anger and frustration on both our parts. Eventually I just made sure there was no tone in my voice or anything and he forgot about it all.
I know there is fault on me too. If I was a good slave I would have followed all the rules, whether he noticed or not. But I am not a good slave. I need so much more than that. I think I have done pretty good controlling my depression and anger and sadness. I keep it all to my self.
I talked online to a man tonight. He seemed to know what he was talking about. He said all those things I want to hear. How he would have me sitting at his feet, and doing this and that. And though I already told him no thank you, it sounded so wonderful…not even fairy tale fantasy most people get of slavehood. It was raw and to the point. And I wanted to fall in his grasp. I think I started to. But all the factors running through my head went off. And I said thank you and good bye and he signed off line.
It made me cry. I had someone who wanted me, who thought he could take me and I said no thank you. Now I know he was problably some pimply faced teenager looking for a quik get off. People should not be allowed to play with other emotions like that.
Am I dumb? I mean WTF is this. Why do I feel this way? Fuck, how do I not feel this way?
I have had people tell me that I have a choice…To stay miserable or leave and find someone who can take me on. But, honestly, what kind of choice is that? It is way more complicated. I have a family. I have children. We, as a couple have been through hell, and we are still together. Some say that hell should have been a clue to what the future will hold, and maybe it will. But for now, I have made it through to much to just let it go. We are actually in a have decent stage compared to the past. And it’s not going to be my needs that ruin that.
Maybe I am not cut out to be a slave. I am stubborn and pushy. I need somebody strong enough that can break me. Someone who can deal with me when I get out of hand and who knows how to put me back in my place. Someone who can deal with the silent treatment, because I have nothing nice to say. Someone who can remember his own rules. Someone who can remember to punish and discipline and train. I am just to complicated of a person. I do not want my submission to be a gift. I was to consent to giving it, then I want it taken from me. But not handed right back as soon as the sex is over.
The rules never got written down. I never asked to get on the Pc. I have pretty much kept to myself. I figure it will stay that way till I can get myself under control,
My daughters 1st birthday is friday. So it’s something good to look forward to.
~~jane
July 17, 2008 at 5:57 pm
*hugs* This sounds so close to what might happen to me…I think Beloved is losing interest in the M/s relationship and I’m feeling lost as to what to do about it. My little one is 21 months old, and there is no way I am leaving the relationship if Beloved does give up on the Master-role…
“I think I have done pretty good controlling my depression and anger and sadness. I keep it all to my self.”
I fought with PPD and tried to keep it to myself. That got pretty messy. Talk to your MD. You can deal with postpartum depression much longer than just the first month or two, and you might still be wrestling with it. Don’t do that to yourself. I know there’s a stigma about antidepressants, but I can’t possibly convey the relief I feel. I’ve been on Zoloft for a year now. Feel free to drop me an e-mail if you’d like to chat about it.
“Maybe I am not cut out to be a slave. I am stubborn and pushy. I need somebody strong enough that can break me.”
Ditto. Although I wonder if it’s finding someone strong enough to break me…or finding the strength to allow myself to be broken.
August 20, 2008 at 5:02 am
jane-ask yourself this sweeti. if your daughter was in a relationship similar to the one you have with seth~what would your advice to her be? this is something i had to ask to get out of a marriage that i was hanging onto for the wrong reasons. my oldest daughter still recalls the tension and the fights i had when i was married to her dad & i divorced her him in ‘95. happy parents make a happy child regardless if they are married or not. i also had PDD after both of my children-medication helped as did alot of selfcare and cognitive therapy.
good luck & i will be adding your blog to mine.