What am I feeling?

I am in such a weird place these days…Like I am watching my life from the outside…Staring in through a window.

Nothing has been very bad. Nothing has really changed. I am still married. I am still in love with Sissy. I still have kids. Still getting ready for school.

I just feel reserved. I never really talk about my feelings. I did for a bit. It bothered Seth that I never talked about my feelings, so I started. But he never seemed to listen and when he did he didn’t care. So I guess I just closed up again. I only say what is necessary to my sanity. Now I am to the point I feel like I am going to explode. And the thing is, I don’t even know what I am really feeling.

Seth reads this blog, I don’t know how often, but he usually misinterprets what I am trying to say. This is my place to regurgitate everything building up in my head. And he takes it more as a place to bash him.  I don’t write here much any more because of this. Maybe I should invest in a hand written journal. But I like the feed back.

I joined a yahoo group. It is for women in my situation, married but in love with a woman. These women are all different ages and at diffrent points in their relationship. Some moved to divorce and some have found their husband understanding and accepting, they make it work. Some have open marriages, and some have tried that to have it end very badly. I haven’t talked on the group yet. I am pretty young compared to the rest. I forgot to live my life before I settled down.

Sometimes I feel I am wrong. If Seth were to tell me he was in love with another…I would be hurt and I don’t know how I would deal with that. If he wanted to leave to be with this other than okay. I am sure I would feel jealousy. I am a very jealous person…And so is Seth. He says he is not jealous of Sissy. And he shouldn’t be. I don’t have sex with her and most the time I spend with her, he is there too. Her birthday was last week and we all went out to a couple clubs and danced and it was really great. I had an amazing time. But Seth….I don’t really even know what his problem was. He was angry with me the whole time and fighting with me. Even the next day after I left her house, I was with my dad for his surgery. And he still was fighting with me. He kept asking me what happened the night me and Sissy and a couple other girls went out. What happened? We drank, we danced, we gambled. and danced some more. Even after we were done arguing he still asked again what REALLY happened that night. *sigh….

We have no trust in our realtionship.  We both have given each other reasons to not trust each other.

I don’t know how I feel about Seth. I love him, I know that. But, there are different ways to love somebody. I try to not be sensitive around him. Otherwise I would be hurt all the time. Sex, as always, has been an issue lately. I don’t want it. Every movie I have watched, every song I have heard has had something to do with rape. It’s like…if you are a smoker, and you are out of smokes…every where you turn everyone has got a damn cigarette. Yeah…So even my dreams are about rape now. I explained this to Seth, he said he understands, but he didn’t. He wants to be close to me, but the only way he wants to be close to me is with sex. I stopped sleeping on the couch and went back to bed. To give it another try since I had finally opened up and told him how I felt. But it started again. I was going to start sleeping on the couch last night. But Bean was sick so I slept in bed and let her sleep with me. I know I am not supposed to use the kids like that. But really, I don’t know what to do anymore. I have come out and said no. I have explained why I feel that way. But whenever I tell him no, he leaves me alone till I fall asleep and then wakes me up 3 or 4 times trying to do it anyways.

I want to go back to the couch. Or maybe we can take turn on who has to sleep in the living room. The rape group is on vacation till sometime around the 15th. But I don’t know if I am going back to it. It is supposed to be helpful and support and all that. But look what it’s done…It has stirred up all these feelings again and now I am back where I started with the nightmares and flashbacks.

I haven’t gone to see RC either. I already know what he thinks, that this is never going to end. I have spent 4 years trying to teach Seth that rape is wrong, and that love is not about sex. And where have I gotten? No where. So what is the point in going back in there and having to tell him the same shit…I gave in a took it, cause it buys me at least a week of peace. And he pulls out his abuse wheel and shows me where I fit in and then….Fuck it’s just an endless cycle.

Sissy wants me to come over for a week in June. Her husband has to go out of town. It’s not anything dirty or anything. We both know we are not in a position to add something as intamate as sex. I haven’t told her yet…But if Seth can’t go then I am not going to. (Cue RC with his damn abuse wheel) Even if Seth says it is okay and whatever, it won’t be. He will be texting me and calling me. And he will find something to fight with me about to make my time there miserable. And, as much as I love Sissy, it’s just not worth it to me.

This post is so all over the place…I have been holding so many thoughts and feelings in that I don’t even know what I think anymore. I don’t know how I feel. I stared at this white screen for the longest time before deciding what to write….And when I did start typing there was so many things flowing that I just end up bouncing all over the place.

But the thing is. I have to write. I have to say what I feel and think. And if Seth doesn’t like it, then he shouldn’t be reading it. Cause I have tried telling him how I feel and it doesn’t work. And there is so much bottled up in me that I going to start ripping at the seems. This blog alone will start an argument as soon as he reads it. It always does.

Right now he is pacing around cause I have to have sex with him and he is impatient. lol We don’t ever make love or anything like that..it’s always just fucking. Tonight he says he wants to make love…..I don’t know how to feel about that. Love requires us both to be into it, and us both to be sharing a mutal feeling. And he feeling….When do I get to cum. And I am feeling….nothing, usually. Flashes of memories, reminding me that, that is the same face he made when he…………………………..yeah….

I am going to get this done and hopefully get some sleep. I gotta long day tomorrow.