scattered.

I’m in a wierd place these days. Once again I found utter happiness and it is destroyed and taken from me.

Today is sunday, I should be prancing around cause tomorrow is monday. Monday. Sissy is coming monday night and staying tuesday night too!!

Today is Sunday. I am depressed and down and just want to cry. Cause tomorrow is Monday and she isn’t coming. She doesn’t want to. She can’t.

In a matter of two days I lost most my possesions. I almost los tmy children. My father is upset and can’t even look at me. My girlfriend…My friend is no longer my girlfriend. My pride is hurt. My feelings are hurt.

It never seems to fail….when he fucks up…When he ruins my life…I get punished. I lose it all.

Today I feel very bitter. I should be cleaning up the house…but why bother My kids aren’t coming home.  And nobody is coming over…now. I am resentful. I have a temper, I lose control sometimes, but is it all things that are repairable. My stuff isn’t repairable. I have to even watch what I say, cause now it’s inappropriate.

It’s not okay for me to think about her lying next to me. To think about kissing her. To hold her hand and sing to her.

With Seth…Things are slowly getting better. Jus tlike before we are slowing picking up the pieces. Him, from the house. And me, from my life. We have talked without screaming. But for the most part I keep my feeling to myself. Things will work out between us. They always do. This time is a little diffrent cause he is getting treatment. And we are going to marriage counsiling and domestic violence councling. So maybe it could be better this time.

I am not worried aobut us. We will be fine, it’s not like we haven’t been here before. And I can’t get Sissy to understand that. I am giving her her space. I am trying not to call her. And let her call me and it’s so hard. My dad and my sister tell me she is my soul mate. She is the one person in all this world that I was meant to find and who was meant to find me. And I scared her away.

I had soemthing I wrote for her. But now I just feel stupid, so I threw it away. But she knows me, so some where in her heart she knows what it said.

Anyhow…I can’t really vent…this keyboard is really gross and I don’t want to get upset all over again. A

As far a Seth goes…I love you. I hate you. But I love you. Things are going to change.

Sissy….Well she knows how I feel. And I don’t like to make her feel guilty for doing the right thing. I love you.