So I really have nothing to say. lol Just stopped by to say hi. I have stayed off the computer mostly for the last 4 days. I got a cold and with it a migraine that lasted days. We went to the ER and sat for 3 hours without seeing anybody and finally just left. We went back the next day and again sat for almost 3 hours. This time we waiting for the doc. He gave me Imitrex and something for the nausea, and of course the good stuff. The pain killer that instantly kicks in and makes you all woosie. Ahh….Sweet relief.

I told D, as much as I wanted the pain gone, I dreaded feeling better. Seth is pretty self centered. I have been talking about the Daddy/little girl side of BDSM. As much as I like the idea, I don’t think it would work. Seth does not like taking care of me and helping me when I am sick. So the nurturing, caring, loving rold of DaddyDom probably wouldn’t work for us.

Anyways yesterday I was feeling much better. So we started cleaning house. Everything had been left to build up while I was down. So D came over and helped out a bit. She is the most awsome friend…sometimes. lol

Not much is happening in the ‘us’ category. After the breaking scene things went on for a day and then stopped. That’s the way the usually go. We have a new book on the way. It’s Master Nage’s Guide To Training Consensual Slaves

We haven’t gotten it yet. It seems to be taking along time, since it is shipping from the same state we are in. Anyways…I am learning to handle my emotions better. Things are never going to be the way they were or the way I want them. Seth isn’t strong enough to take me. That’s not a bad thing, mind you. So I learn to write out all my hurt feelings and just delete it. That helps. I read others blogs and revel in their happiness. And for the most part I get along ok now.

Anyways I am off. Gotta start the laundry and probably play some games online. hehe…

~~jane

First off, I want to thank you for all your commets. It means so much to know someone is reading. And the advise is always so good.

When I went to bed last night and got up this morning, I had decided to close this blog down. I love having it. I love reader feedback and having somewhere to vent. But who wants to listen to the same bitching over and over.

Seth and I did some research yesterday. I found a question and answer page that had some, some…vaulable information. I found one on breaking the girl. You can read it here: http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/Breaking-sub-extreme-play.htm

It wasn’t kidding when it said extreme. For me atleast… Basically the idea was to beat her into submission. Now I have mixed feelings on this. First of all I GAVE my submission, it didn’t need to be taken that way. Second, Seth and I talked aobut breaking me down. I am very dominate and high strung, independant. But when we disscussed it I made sure Seth understood all I waned was him to stay consistant. That’s why things stop working in the past. He stops ding his part.

As I was tied to the bed and the first full blown strikes started comming down. I had a thought…This is going to be a hard core beating. There is no real intamacy and yet when she submits you are supose to make love. WTF? I took alot. Alot! My back is sore to the touch, it hurts to sit. I don’t how long it all took..But after quite a while Seth stopped and held me for a minute while I cried. Sobbed is more like it. He asked if I wanted to call safe word, so I did. End the scene completely. I don’t think I could’ve taken any more.

When you’ve been with someone a while you learn their body language. And Seth was dissapointed. But it didn’t deter him he still wanted the sex. This confused me. I called safe word, scene over. The next step was to completely be there for her as she would need you. He was just interested in the sex. I couldn’t lay on my back so I moved into doggy style and he started fucking. As I laid there, all I could see was the many times I had just taken it and he got pleasure from it. My hatred started to swell. The realization that I hate sex so much because of him.  I hate sex because he got so much pleasure out of just using me and leaving me depressed and suicidal.

Now we have come a long ways since then. But I can’t forget. I can’t forget that feeling. Seth never did finish. I laid there crying for a while staying in position. Seething in hatred. I went to bed needed somebody more than ever, but had nobody.

I have been thinking alot about the comments left. I am not a slave, probably not even a submissive. But I want this. It is just going to tkae someone strong enough to fight back against me. Today started rough as I still felt that hatred, and even writing this and coming to my conclusions I still feel hatred and disgust.

I had those fantasy bdsm thoughts. Just like every other newbie. But some of them didn’t seem so far out. We have had a couple scenes that blew my mind and actually left me wanting more. It was a kind of romantic, sadomasochistic scene. lol What is so wrong with things being romantic? I know even in a BDSM scene, they can be.

I have decided not to close this journal down. I need it. I need it to know I am not insane or alone. I have decided to not give up being Seth’s slave. I have thought about it all night and all morning. Something made the diffrence. Though I am still seething in my hatred and what not, Seth told me he knew I was probably mad at him from last night, But the attitude needed to stop. Now that wasn’t a big thing. But it showed some degree of notice. Follow through. I have read about slave not having the life they once had with their masters. But they deal with it. Because even if things have gone vanilla, it is about what their masters want.

So I am going to do my best to stick this out and do my part. Even when he isn’t doing his. Things will come together evenutally, or they will fall apart. Only time will tell.

~~jane

Ok so the book was a really good book. It has so many great ideas and techniques in it. But it wasn’t what I was hoping for.

I think the sex drive has to do alot with the medication, as you all said. Part of it has to do with my self image, as surrender talked about. But a big part is…The D/s turns me on so much. Seeing Seth with everyday control is what makes me hot. So without any of that….fucking blah. You know, it’s just plain boring sex.

The book didn’t have much to say on D/s relationships. It was more on the fun stuff. So any suggestions? Books that can help guide a D/s relationship? I’m headed over to Amazon again to look and see if I can find anything.

The book had the wrong effect, which after reading it for a while, I was afraid would happen. Rather than want to sit down and work out our relationship, he wanted to jump to the fucking. I had a moment of submissiveness yesterday. It was me getting excited that the book was here, and things might finally come together…so much for that. lol

A couple of you mentioned that you just do it. When Master wants sex, you grin a bear it. I wonder how that effects you. So many times that is all our sex life had been. Me faking and him getting what he wanted. Is there fullfillment in that? I know I am not a slave, atleast not a good one. Maybe submissive, at best.

So, again…any suggestions on books?

~~jane

We ordered the book…just waiting for it to get here. We are hoping it will offer some help. I do not know how to help Seth anymore. He has all the information. And things used to be perfect, so he knows how to do it just fine. I don’t get all the problems we are having now. I have read a couple post now that said something along the lines of —he’s not doing it right, so I can’t do it right. and He is is not doing it how I want.— I don’t want it to be like that. If thier dominate fails on his part..they should stick with that, because it is about what he wants? That doesn’t make much sense to me, but I guess I will try to go with that. But what happens when you dominate wants sex all the time? Are you supposed to give in all the time? It’s more than I just don’t want it. I don’t have a sex drive…and I seem to be having alot of past issues clogging up the brain…

Hmmm…whatever. Hopefully the book will help a bit.

I went to my first bariatric meeting tonight. So tomorrow starts the phone calls and paperwork. I am excited to get it, but annoyed at how long it’s gonna take. Could be up to a year and a half…Plus all the trips to see the doc…fuck I don’t have that gas money….It will work out. I hope.

Anyways….that’s it for now.

~~jane

Things are kinda up in the air. I tried to explain my feelings in my last post to Seth and he wouldn’t listen. Or didn’t understand. Which ever…we didn’t get anywhere.

I have been thinking things through, alot. You all know how bad I want this. How bad I want all of it. But when it comes down to it, Seth wants the sex. And I am not submissive. So that puts us in a very….weird place. I don’t event hink weird is the word. But I don’t know what is. I absolutly envy some of the people I read. Like kittens blog. They have a real relationship. She has her bad days, and he his. But she is an honest submissive. And him, an honest dominate. Things are talked through and punishments are given, and they move on with their day.

Nothing, no matter what it is, is as good as it was origianly was. The newness wears off. Things get old and stale. Fact is…I do not take orders well. Many have said I should be the dominate in our position. And that is peobably true. But Seth would not be a submissive to me. He wouldn’t like it. He wouldn’t like the things I would require of him. And that’s okay. I do not take well to giving orders and punishment.

So where the hell does this put things? Put us? Seth doesn’t agree with my way of thinking. He thinks the only way to get it back is to dive in. But where are we diving? His orders so far have been sex and to walk around a table 5 times. I don’t want that. I don’t want sex. He knows I don’t and still is pushing so hard that I am back to praying my kids wake up, and not wanting them to leave the house. Just to have a reason to say we can’t. I know..tell him you don’t want it. I do. He knows. We talked about it. And we agreed, when I want it, I will let him know. I haven’t told him I want it.

I hate that things are so complicated. Why can’t two people just love each enough to want to make each other happy? Why can’t I ever be happy? Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and leave. I need to be where I feel cared for. I need to feel safe, not afraid. Not used.

~~jane

Had a realitivly (Is that a word?) good day today. Didn’t get half the crap I wanted done. Kelly brought over dinner. That was cool. She’s been doing that quite a bit. Tomorrow she is planning on taking Bubby over night.

Money situation is no better. I am fighting alone. I have decided to turn the cable off next month. We don’t watch a whole lot of tv anyways and we canr eally use the extra money. But now I have to pay to replace both remotes, instead of just one. That’s 15 bucks a piece, plus the money to ship all the equipment back. Netflix over drew the account..they never do that. I don’t know why they did this time. So that 20 plus the 35 a day fee. I mean, fuck. If it’s not one thing it’s another.

The other night Seth had my legs stretched way beyound what they can go. Now I feel punished because my hips hurt so bad. I dn’t bother saying anything. He has tried to tie me up like that before and knows I can’t do it. It is things like that that make me wanna just say fuck this whole slave thing. He wants me to do all this shit he sees in the pictures and that fact is I am to fucking fat. I can’t do them.

I have mentioned before that I have a hard time giving up conrol. I just can’t do it. I know, I am the one that wanted this so bad. And I still do. I just don’t think now is the right time. I am so stressed out, I can’t fucking think straight. And all Seth can think about is sex. It hurts so much. I find myself wanting to cling to my father. He understands, he knows. And he doesn’t want nothing from me except to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be ok. I need that. I need that reasurance, that somehow I will make everything okay.

I am going tomorrow to reapply for that job. Maybe she will see persistance and give it to me. It will get me out of the house and away from everybody. I need a break. I have been trying to make a post on the ASH webboard, but am just at a loss of what to say. “Hi, I am jane. I am suicidal. All I think about nowadays how to die.” I mean come on WTF. You know.

The house is a mess. I have to go beg for an extention on that bill. before they report me again. So much for friends.

Anyways I needed a good rant. So, well it’s almost thursday, I guess this could count as HNT. I don’t know. I hate it. I hate them all. But this is the only one I barely stand to even look at. I can’t wait to have the surgery. And maybe be somewhat normal.

So that’s it for now.

~~jane

Master would like to take some pictures. I really have a hard time with them. I want to take them and show them, but as soon as I see them..ugggg! lol

So tell me what you think…would you want to see pics? Mind you I am huge. lol

~~jane

PS…We still really need help with that bill to avoid eviction. If you can help at all e-amil me at slave_jane07@yahoo.com.

Alot of nothing has been happening lately. The doc switched me to zoloft. I don’t think the change was the best idea. I have spent the last 4 or 5 days contemplating suicide. With a bottle of zoloft and enough percocet It should be enough. I spent some time on ASH website. They get a pretty bad rep for not being against suicide and more or less helpful with it. But once you get in it there is also some help to be found.

Seth has decided he does want all this now. It has put me in a tough spot. Gods knows, as well as the rest of you, how bad I want it. But if he is just doing it because I want it, then it’s only going to be half assed. And we will end up back where we were.

I am very emotionally unstable right now. His mother got online and talked with me. Everytime Seth and I have an argument or anything it all resorts back to I am fat. Mind you Seth is 5′8 a buck fifty. His mom is maybe 5′3 and maybe a buck thirty. Then here comes thundering me. And she has always had something to say about my weight. And as usual brought it up last night. By the time I got done talking to her I was an utter mess and bawling. Seth said something about how I felt towards him and I lost it all over again. I am fragile right now. She keeps telling me to watch what I eat and not to much carbs. But I hardly ever eat carbs..or much of anything. I don’t eat alot. I have always been fat. Skinny people will never understand that. She has always been skinny and bitches cause she gained 5 pounds in the last year.

Anyways. I don’t know where things are going. Seth has decided his problem is he only knows how to dom in the bedroom and wants to learn how to do it all the time. I have given him all the info I can. He says he doesn’t like to read. But I think..if he really wanted it he would make the time to read what he needed to to learn how to be good at it.

I am tredding lightly. I am to scared to be hurt. So whenever he brings it up I start to clam up. I couldn’t handle him being asshole dom right now. And I think that is the only thing he really knows how to do.

On another note…The stupid reality is charging us for cleaning the mold out of the carpet. One little patch and they are charging us like 300 bucks. How the hell am I going to pay that? If we don’t they report us to HUD. And HUD will kick us off the program. God I hate this shit. When it rains it pours. Any one willing to help out?

~~jane

Some interesting reads. The whole article is at:  http://www.dinahproject.com/articles_view_details.asp?id=229

Blue Balls refers to a high state of arousal in men, when the penis is engorged and prepared for ejaculation and orgasm, but is doesn’t happen. This could either be because one of the partners decides to stop the motion or (more rarely) because of a glitch in the man’s system.

Having “blue balls” generally refers to the ache that occurs in the testes, because the penis is throbbing and hoping for relief, and the testes, or balls are preparing to release their two bags full, when the stimulation is stopped. This means all the blood vessels have constricted, and are holding the blood in the penis, and are preparing for ejaculation, but just when body and mind want to orgasm, the necessary strokes, rubs or thrusts are not forthcoming.

How painful is it really? The superlatives used during the moments of negotiation are not a great reflection. Part of the pain that guys tend to describe is not happening in their groins, but rather in their ego and that part of the brain that controls expectations. All that can be experienced from an unrequited hard-on are a few minutes of moderate to heavy discomfort. It will pass and nothing will fall off.

The Cure
It’s not brain surgery. Just give it a few minutes, and all will go back to normal. The blood vessels that constrict to entrap all the blood in the genitals begin to relax once stimulation is reduced, so the blood slowly seeps back out. Any discomfort will disappear, as though it was never there.

Playing the blue balls card is bad on a lot of levels. Firstly, whether a guy is knowingly lying to a girl about how it feels or whether he is inexperienced and misinformed about the basic horniness facts, talking a partner into any sexual act that she is not partaking of freely, is just sad, not to mention legally dubious.

BE WARNED. tHE FOLLOWING POST IS ALOT OF JUMBLES THAT PROBABLY MAKE NOW SENSE. iT IS JUST SHIT FLOATING IN MY HEAD AND HURTING ME…AND i NEEDED TO SPIT IT ALL OUT.

I don’t really have anything to say. Doc put me on a new medication and so far…no good. The other medication was…wearing Off…not working…Something along those lines. I’ve been starting to fall back into having to fight back tears all day long. Just to make sure Seth doesn’t ask what wrong. Cause, honestly, I don’t wanna talk about it. I am done talking about it.

The new med I have taken tonight for the first time. And now, about an hour later, I have dissovled into tears. Maybe it’s just my depression getting the best of me. We had a bit of a blow up today. I don’t even remember how it started. But it took off because he decided he would try to take charge of me. I asked him, what the hell for? For real. He doesn’t like that I vent on my blog. So he stopped reading it. It served a good use. It opened the lines of communication for us. But that does no good if he doesn’t read it. But there is a good side too! Without him reading it, I am free to be more open about my feelings…

I don’t see much potential in our relationship. He wants sex. I don’t. What does that leave? Yeah, well the normal answer would be alot. But it’s not. That is all he is here for is the sex. Without it he just plays video games all the time.

I have been reading a blog today. The whole blog all day lol..Unfortunatly I can’t find the link now. But it DesprateHusband. Him and his wife are disconnected. She seems to no longer have an intrest in him and he talks about his stuggles with it and his affair.

I haven’t had an affair. I have cheated once. It was a revenge move and not good one, I admit. I didn’t feel guilty at first. I wanted to tell him and rub it in his face…Maybe then he could hurt as bad as I did. But the guilt set it. I didn’t want him to feel like I did. I felt hated and unloved and suicidal. Nobody should have to feel that way. So I couldn’t find the right time to tell him. It eventually came out and he was mad. Understandably.

I couldn’t have an affair. I could never be that untrue to someone. I have been through hell. I read about the way this guy was feeling. His wife didn’t want sex. Would rarely kiss him or show affection. That is who I am turning into to. I don’t want affection. It just makes it all hurt more. But that is all he is is sex. Him jacking off in the shower and reading porn in the bathroom and erotica and sex games on the pc. That is who he is. So, says a friend, if you cut him off (for you own sake, of course) He will eventually just look elsewhere.

I am too the point I do not care. He still liked his ex girlfriend. He liked my sisters friend. He liked my sister. He liked girl that showed up at his work. He like girls on the internet. He will always like other people. Skinnier, pretty people.

I have feared that because I don’t put out he will find somebody else. I dye my hair red, because my sisters friend had red hair, and he showed such an intrest in her. I tell him when I am on my way home so I don’t catch him with anybody at home or online. I am trying so hard for this surgery for him.

I do all this to try to be what he wants. But all he wants from me is sex. I never thought, as fat girl, I would ever say that. lol

So many people tell me I have a choice…I can be miserable for the rest of my life or I can move on and do what makes me happy. I don’t even know what makes me happy. Being stable and not living off the goverment would make me very happy. Not worring about losing my home would make me happy. I guess I do know a few things.

I have no point to this post. I’m all fucked up right now, and just needed to spill what is in my head. I can’t really hope for the passion to come back. There never was any. We have had some passionate sex, but there has never really been passion in our marriage. It’s always about who we can add to the bedroom and what dirty thing I can do for him.

I don’t think leaving is an option for me. I don’t think staying is an options for me. I know a break isn’t an option for me. I am optionless. lol