Throwing in the Towel

I didn’t want to post yesterday, as I did my post announcing my baby girl turning one year old! Today we had her birthday party. It was a little hectic. She shared her day with my step sister, who has turned 17. Next year we do seprate birthday parties!

So that night, nothing happened. I got to just go to sleep. That was a relief. Last night the kids were fucking hog wild!! OMG. You would think we just gave them sugar to eat all day, not one of them could sit still. So I consoled myself with a few drinks. lol

I get horney when I drink. lol I don’t know why, but it happens, almost everytime. Seth knows this, so whenever I drink he makes plans to do some fucking. I stopped drinking very often. Partly because I feel he is taking advantage of it. I mean yeah he is, but it’s like…because I lost my inhibitions, he loses his too. Not that that is a bad thing. It’s just….I don’t know. Also because I am old..hehe My body can’t take it like it used to.

Anyways he kept to him self and I kept to myself. I drank as I played games and read blogs. Ann came home for the weekend with her bf. so they were on their way. I stayed up and chatted with them for a while. But it was inevitable, I had to go to bed at some point. So I went. Seth brought Nicky in, but he wasn’t interested. He went off and layed down and we fucked. Nothing really new or special. Bam Bam, bullet, fingers, cock…The usual. Then I just passed out.

There hasn’t been much in the lines D/s. It flares up when he wants sex. You can tell when he wants it, cause then he is Sir/Master/Dom..whatever. Most the time I go to sleep and he slips out and goes read the porn in the bathroom. I quit caring. lol It used to drive me nuts. In a way it still does, but I’m done fighting over this shit. I haven’t said anything about the D/s. I think I have just given up.

Not really the ‘throw you hands up and walk away.’ More like….ummm…I guess more like I am tired of pushing so hard for something he doesn’t want. Cause then when I get it, it’s only half ass, cause his heart isn’t in it. And I know I am only getting it cause I WANT it. Not because he does. That make sense? I have already started purging little things out.

AS some of you know jane is not my real name. It started as an online persona, and stuck. There are a few people in real life that only know me as jane. But the little decorations on my pc, no longer have jane written on them. My phone..lol..this is dumb..hehe All the incoming, outgoing and missed calls…yeah well at night I would delete all of them except Seth’s name. I took out Seth’s name and put his real name. I stopped deleting the other calls.

They are insignifcant, they were a part of me. So…Yeah that’s how I feel. lol

We are going to sit down and watch The Dark Night.

~~jane

The love test

The Sudden Departure

Random Brutal Love Master (RBLM)

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure.

You’ve been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you’re a really fantastic girl who doesn’t really know what she wants, and you’ve broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you’re there, either boredom or the old “grass is greener” syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you’re not the classic “love ‘em and leave ‘em” type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you’re theoretically looking to settle down, you don’t settle long on one person. “Serial monogamist” is probably something you hear a lot. “Emotionally loose” is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn’t really make much difference. Of course, it’s not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

Your exact female opposite:

The Intern

Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer

Always avoid: The Backrubber (DGSD), The Gentleman (DGLM)

Consider: The Vapor Trail (RBLM),

someone just like you

Today is my Bean’s 1st Birthday.

I love you baby.

Confusion

I don’t really have much to write tonight. All day Seth has beent alking aobut our dynamic, or lack of one. HE doesn’t get the idea of training, and I don’t know how else to explain it. I have sent him many websites. I don’t know what he took in and didn’t.

He has been talking aobut Nicky all day. Those of you that read the passworded post know who that is. I get the feeling that’s what going on tonight. I really don’t feel up to it. I am tired. And so confused. I don’t get what my place is. Is he Dom or not? Who fucking knows.

Tomorrow is my baby’s 1st b-day. I am making her a cake, but we are not celebrating till Saturday. She is sharing her birthday with my step sister. Her theme is superman and My girls is Tinker Bell. I can’t wait.

Anyways…I’ll let u all know tomorrow how it goes.

~~jane

Do you really wanna know?

Conqour4love metioned it’s been a couple days since I updated. What do I say? Do you all really want to hear the same shit I have been writing for months now?

Nothing has happened. I am not placing all the blame on him. Right now there is nothing. We are just husband and wife. For a few days there was the sir rule. I have to call him sir. And I had to ask to get on the pc. That’s about it. He has some other rules he wanted. He wanted me to write them down so they would be right in front of him and he would remember them. The first two days it didn’t happen I had gotten a migraine. So he gave me leeway. The next day, last night I went to Reno. So again they didn’t get done.

Seth is not a morning person and I am up and down all night. All the kids got up at 7 this morning. But I was okay I wasn’t going to let it get me. But Seth was pissed off and it instantly put me in a bad mood. I tried to just keep to myself, but he kept on me all morning and it just led to more anger and frustration on both our parts. Eventually I just made sure there was no tone in my voice or anything and he forgot about it all.

I know there is fault on me too. If I was a good slave I would have followed all the rules, whether he noticed or not. But I am not a good slave. I need so much more than that.  I think I have done pretty good controlling my depression and anger and sadness. I keep it all to my self.

I talked online to a man tonight. He seemed to know what he was talking about. He said all those things I want to hear. How he would have me sitting at his feet, and doing this and that. And though I already told him no thank you, it sounded so wonderful…not even fairy tale fantasy most people get of slavehood. It was raw and to the point. And I wanted to fall in his grasp. I think I started to. But all the factors running through my head went off. And I said thank you and good bye and he signed off line.

It made me cry. I had someone who wanted me, who thought he could take me and I said no thank you. Now I know he was problably some pimply faced teenager looking for a quik get off. People should not be allowed to play with other emotions like that.

Am I dumb? I mean WTF is this. Why do I feel this way? Fuck, how do I not feel this way?

I have had people tell me that I have a choice…To stay miserable or leave and find someone who can take me on. But, honestly, what kind of choice is that? It is way more complicated. I have a family. I have children. We, as a couple have been through hell, and we are still together. Some say that hell should have been a clue to what the future will hold, and maybe it will. But for now, I have made it through to much to just let it go. We are actually in a have decent stage compared to the past. And it’s not going to be my needs that ruin that.

Maybe I am not cut out to be a slave. I am stubborn and pushy. I need somebody strong enough that can break me. Someone who can deal with me when I get out of hand and who knows how to put me back in my place. Someone who can deal with the silent treatment, because I have nothing nice to say. Someone who can remember his own rules. Someone who can remember to punish and discipline and train. I am just to complicated of a person. I do not want my submission to be a gift. I was to consent to giving it, then I want it taken from me. But not handed right back as soon as the sex is over.

The rules never got written down. I never asked to get on the Pc. I have pretty much kept to myself. I figure it will stay that way till I can get myself under control,

My daughters 1st birthday is friday. So it’s something good to look forward to.

~~jane

starting again

I found this qoute at: http://friskeykitten.wordpress.com/

“The cruelest thing a Master can do to a girl is to make her fall for Him when He doesn’t intend to catch her fall.” ~ Unknown

It speaks volumes. I can see how it can be taken diffrent ways though. Such as love, falling in love with one who was solely master and not lover.

But I saw it a bit diffrent…

Seth knows how much living this type of life means to me, or atleast he should. It has nothing to do with sex or S and M. It is the control that I crave, that I need. It’s knowing that if he says to do the dishes, that I better do them or else…

I feel that in something as simple as him holding me. Yeah he can and has held/hold me before all the D/s. But the feeling is diffrent. The feeling now is that he owns me, and protects me and is my everything. Without it, it just feels like another man, like so many others, just holding his girlfriend.

The simpliest things take on a whole new meaning when you add the D/s in the mix. I do chores because I have to, because no one else will dare lift a finger to help. But to do them because I have to is another story. I am doing them because he wants them done. Because he said so.

You all have heard me bitch and cry over how hurt I am about him “wanting” to pick up the reins but not doing it. Now he has decided to do it. I am not holding my breath. Not out of doubt or…okay well I guess it is out of doubt. What makes now any diffrent from the last few months? what has changed that he is suddenly going to be the Master he was before?

Nothing.

Nothing has changed. He demeanor hasn’t changed. The way he has been handling things or me hasn’t changed. He has talked about rules and a temporary collar. I have made one, with the intention of giving or selling it to a friend. I do not see myself being collared for a long time. Why? Trust. How can I trust the same shit won’t happen all over again?

I don’t want to be given a collar just to go back to plan jane, depressed, housewife. I showed him this blog post http://www.socialperversion.com/2008/07/the-basics/from conquor4love.

He liked the way he has things set up. The idea to me was, the rules are basic. Baisic enough that they are remembered as there are three main rules:

Rule #1 : My way may not be the best way, the fastest way or even the correct way but it is the only acceptable way.
Rule #2 : “No” is never an acceptable response to a command that is given.
Rule #3 : Do as I say.

Simple, huh. And he can set daily rituals to how he wants them. In the begining we had that list floating around..128 rules or something like that. We had narrowed it down to the ones that worked for us, that still came out to like 80 some odd rules. And you know, he remember every single rule. And kept up on them everyday. Now he can’t remember that I am supposed to ask to do anything. And punishments are just threats, they never are followed through.

Now I am not putting Seth down at all. I am saying this is how things are. Now he wants to go for it again. Dive in. I am resisting. For the most part I do not try to. It has become a defence. A way to protect myself from getting hurt. I am ready to call it good, count my loses and deal, rather than fall again.

But I want it so bad. I want what was there 9 months ago. I am in no way a slave, atleast not a very good one. As kaya once said I am not submissive, you want it, your gonna have to take it. That’s the way I am. I can’t help that.

I am doing my best, though I am resisting startign up again…I can’t take the hurt. He’s jsut let me fall so many times….I don’t think he will catch me….

“The cruelest thing a Master can do to a girl is to make her fall for Him when He doesn’t intend to catch her fall.” ~ Unknown

~~jane

up down, off on

I hate being so confused all the time. As I was finishing up my post this morning, I got in trouble for not asking to get o the pc. Seth had me sit on the couch and said I couldn’t do anything without asking. I mostly stayed on the couch…I’ve been really tired the last few days. So I don’t know what ‘anything’ consist of, cause I went to the bathroom and got food without asking.

While I was sleeping he read the post I wrote. He came and apologized to me. He said he should be more understanding of my feelings and depression.

I want the control, I want all of it. But I need him to be consistant. I understand off days, we all have them.

He went to work today. I have to call him every hour.

I hate being so confused on how I fell..uggg.

For those of you that read the protected post, I can’t help but wonder if that is why he is so keen to to suddenly step up. We were pretty raw from all the fucking so last night was a break night.

Anyways..I gotta run

~~jane

Bitch moan bitch

Well things fell through. Last night went much worse than it needed to be. Depression happens, I can’t stop it. But if I don’t talk about it at that very moment Seth gets pissed. A friend suggested that even if Seth stops, that I should keep going. Keep following my rules. WHAT FUCKING RULES??!! I have to say Sir and ask to get on my pc int he mornings. Even though there has been nothing I have kept doing that. Last night it hit me. I got a comment from someone saying hw would have liked to own me if I lived closer. I wish I did. It seems everyone that is willing to want me and train me live in another country.

I talked with Seths mom last night… As usual the conversatin always goes where I don’t want it to. What ever it is, it goes there. She had to ask about the D/s and how it was all going. (She made us rings That Seth gave me mine as a collering on our annivesery. Then tried to sleep with my sister. I don’t wear the ring.)

I told her. I told her the truth. It’s not.  It’s me wanting it so bad and him trying to get sex. He got mad about that to, cause she said something about it. Mom mixed with Seth getting pissy and my own feelings..I just ended up crying. I would have been fine if everyone had just left me alone. Now it’s all on the forefront of my mind and I’m pissy as fuck.

I am trying to find ways to work through all this on my own. He just make sit worse with the empty promises. And I don’t really have anybody else. Other people have suggested how they have a master seprate from their husbands. I know if I am ever going to be owned, that is the only way. But right now, I am just working on healing and forgetting.

Yeah right I know. lol

I found this article at TIH, http://www.takeninhand.com/i.want.it.all.and.i.want.it.now?PHPSESSID=d658a60268733587e35ef65da4acca6b

So when I see a woman friend of mine impatient for intimacy, wanting her man to take control and do it now, wanting him to take a leap of faith and dare to accept the authority she is offering him, wanting real dominance and discipline and wanting it harder, more extremely, more, more, more, wanting him to take the risk of trusting her totally, wanting him to have the courage to go onward into love and life, I understand. And when I see a man I know wanting a woman so much that he is going out of his mind with desire and love for her, wanting it all, and wanting it now, and sometimes pushing her so much he overwhelms her, I understand.

But we have to remember that other people, including those closest to us, are not us. They are separate individuals. They have their own wishes, their own preferences, their own needs, and their own concerns. Ultimately, we all need to control our own lives. This includes the man you women so desperately wish would take the reins of your relationship, and it includes the woman you men wish would hurry up and take everything you are offering.

Pushing them won’t help, it will only drive them away.

So when you think you know best how your lover should conduct his life, remember that maybe you don’t actually know best at all. It is his life, not yours, and he must live it as he himself thinks best. He can only live it as he thinks best.

Yes, I know. How he lives his life affects you, so your pushing is not about getting him to change his life, it is about getting him to change just that part of his life which affects you. It’s about give and take, it’s about getting your legitimate and reasonable needs met, it’s about being in this together rather than two separate, unconnected lives. If you may not give voice to your thoughts or ask for what you want, just what kind of relationship is it anyway? Can it even be called a relationship at all? Aren’t you supposed to be a team? How can it be you and him against the world if he is dragging his feet? If he loved you, he would want to meet your needs. He’d find a way to give you the control you want. He would understand your need for discipline and consistency and deep conversations and little romantic gestures.

Maybe he would; maybe he wouldn’t; but what about his wishes? What about his needs? Do you think that he is wilfully failing to meet your needs out of spite? Do you think he is failing to take you in hand because he wants to make you unhappy? Do you know what this feels like to him?

If you can’t accept those you love as they are, and they do not want to change, it may be time to move on. Spending years trying to change a person is a recipe for unhappiness for both of you.Sometimes, when you are in this sort of situation, you can’t see the wood for the trees. You see only your own unfulfilled needs, and fail to see how painful it is for the person you love to be on the receiving end of the lack of acceptance that your unfulfilled needs represent. You feel like a victim, so your spouse must be responsible, and jolly well ought to change to meet your needs. Your needs are a tacit demand that your spouse be a certain way (whether he wants to or not) and do certain things (whether he wants to or not). Only then will your spouse become acceptable to you. Until then, your spouse is hurting you, wronging you, victimizing you – whether he wants to or not.

Think of it from the other person’s point of view. How does it feel to be on the receiving end of your partner’s unfulfilled needs? How does it feel to be held responsible for the unhappiness of someone you love, when you want more than anything in the world for that person to be happy? How does it feel to be accused of not caring, when you care very deeply? How does it feel when the one you love makes it perfectly clear that you are unacceptable and will have to become a completely different person or suffer their wrath for ever? It’s enough to make a grown man cry. That’s how it feels.

It’s alot to read, I know. But it is the exact situation. But through all that, yes it’s my life to a T…What does one do about it? I move on. I keep my feeling to myself. I will live through my blog and others’ blogs like I have been.

On another note…Seth’s mom thinks it would be better if I felt better about myself. She is going to help me push for the bypass surgery. Nobody would give me a loan to get it, cause it would take me a lifetime to pay it back. And insurance won’t even put me on the waiting list. So she is going to get some info for me. Is there a way to get people to donate? lol

~~jane

My Seth

NOTE: I get enough negative feedback, I don’t really need more. Last night was way off key, so I passworded the post about it. If you want the password I’ll give to you, but don’t ask for it if you can’t handle what’s written. I don’t wanna hear any crap about it. lol

So, this being my blog, I often rant. I forget to mention the good things and all anybody hears is the bad things.

One of the things that I LOVE about Seth is…There is nothing I could do that would cause him to pull back from me. He can be jsut as twisted as me, if not more so. And though I still worry his reaction on things, I know I don’t need to be. Even if he absolutely hated what ever it was, he would still try it out. I love that about Seth.

It took about a year to get our sex life in working order. But I don’t think I could ever tell anybody else….anything. He didn’t learn about me from me telling him, it was more trail and error. And no body could touch me sexually the way he does.

There are things he doesn’t understand. Like feelings. He doesn’t understand why I’m sad, or hurt. He doesn’t know how to comfort me in times like those.

But there is a bit of a deeper level in every relationship. That’s personal. And he gets that.

I may say alot of mean things, and really, really express my hurt by him…But I love him. Nobody could replace him.

~~jane

Protected: Way to taboo for me!

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