D/s and abuse

So I have been thinking about me lately. Especially after the whole argument with D…

I have never been able to explain what I want, cause well I do not ever know. And not only that, but it changes. Today like I blue, but tomorrow I will hate it, only to like it again the next day. As you can guess this sucks..and is very confusing not only for me, but for Seth as well.

Some asshole guy (sorry forgot the whole name lol) asked if maybe Seth had purposely stopped my O. Which I could definitely see as a sadistic thing to do. But no, it was not done on purpose. Seth is in control, but what makes him happy is to hear and see and feel me cum. So I am lucky in that department.

But after all this stuff with D I have been looking at the D/s relationship and wondering what exactly it is. She had asked how could I possiably enjoy being “punished” and treated the way he treats me…My explaination to her ended up being, this is the lifestyle I have chosen and I (previously) agreed to be treated this way.

I have severe depression. Massive ups and downs and they come as quik as they go. But when it comes to the relationship I like the downs to. The only way I can think to put it would be…I like to be abused. So I have found that not only am I a masochist, But I seem to really be an emotional masochist. I like being made to cry. I like the verbal abuse that makes me question myself and Seth…The name calling and things that normally would hurt me even that stuff I told Seth to never say. It hits a cord with me, and in some sick way…I like it.

Everywhere you turn there is the, “I am not a doormat” argument. Well fuck that. I’ll be that door mat. But when I think about it, I think it is more of a physical/verbal doormat. Meaning, the abuse is more physical and verbal in everyday. Does any of this make sense? It’s not to me!

Seth had punished me by taking away my phone and pc. That sucked and yes I was pissed. I was pissed that I broke a rule, I was pissed that my punishment had nothing to do with the wrong doing, I was pissed that I had given him the authority over me, to punish me, like a child. But I stuck to it, because that is what I asked for. And I am proud of Seth for not giving in to me. Now he did give in before the next day. But he had decided I learned what I needed to.

When I do get punished (not often) I think of how I would have handled it. Like if Seth was mine and he mouthed off the way I did. I woud of slugged him in the face. This is abuse, according to moral standards of how I grew up. But back in my slaveness. I wouldn’t mind if he slapped me when he was angry. Or pulled my hair, while chastizing me. These are abusive things, again, but this is how I would want things. OR at least how I think I would want them.

I try not to push anything on Seth as far as how to do things. He needs to decide for himself on them. So I don’t ever really talk about it. Now like I said this is more of a verbal/physical thing, but for everyday. I am not talking at all about a sexual sense. Merely in the context of everyday living.

Now, we do have children though and that is not something okay (we feel) for them to be seeing. So of course it would have to be done queitly in a corner, or pulled into a room real quick.

But when it comes down to it…again, not sexually, I do not mind being abused. I actually think I want it that way. And of course when it happens, yes I will be pissed. Who likes getting punished? (not the play..’you were a bad girl’ thing.)

I am a complicated person. I have issues. lol.

~~jane

P.S. Lilly,

I do tell Seth everything. This has been a learning process though. Learning how to politley express things, so they do not come off mean or disrespectful. I really do not know what Seth sees as disrespectful. I think he still a bit shy to take full control of me. And maybe something you all could talk about is…sometimes I can get pretty snotty (I know, I am working on controlling that) But I think seth is at a loss on how to deal with that. These are the times I feel the abuse would be okay. So he can react within a minute and tell me that is not respectful enough for him. I think if he would take FULL control of me, in all aspects, I would be okay with giving up to him completely, even sexually. Like giving in even when I do not want to.

I read about many ideas, sexual and not, that I find apealing. But I am usually afraid to tell Seth about it. Because, some of it is just off the wall, or on the cruel side. But like I said we are learning to communicate.

Back to D. I have decided she is on a need to know basis. We are going out tonight and I suspect we are going to talk about it, since she wants to go alone, just me and her. So I will talk to her and explain what I can. I know in her heart, she was just trying to be a good friend.

Abuse and BDSM

Okay so this has been on my mind alot lately!

When I think back on my vanilla days I often had had fantasys that involved me being slapped, but I never would have put up anyone slapping me or anything of the like. But now? Well, now it’s a whole new story, isn’t it. I look at things we do now and compared with a normal vanilla life, most of them would be considered abusive, or fall under the catagory of domestic violence. So what would define actual abusive in a D/s dynamic? I don’t really see a clearly definied line there.

I think back, one or two days ago….Seth and I had been kinda arguing about the night the kids were gone. He had told me to get off the phone. Now a good slave would of course said, well i go to let you go and get off. But not me. lol I said no and stayed one the phone. Mostly cause I was upset with Seth and D keeps me happy and thinking about other things. But also cause he is not taking control. So why should I give it up. I know this is not good slave mindset. But I get put out by it all. Anyhow, in his position, as a Master, I would of ripped the little bitch out of her seat and beat her. lol Now a few months ago I would have considered this abuse. But now, I seem to kinda want this treatment. I want to give my submission, but at the same time, I want it taken from me. Of course I would be beyond pissed at Seth if had done this. But what slave wouldn’t be. Masters rules say not to offened when she calls you names or even says I hate you. She doesn’t mean it. That would be true. But counting the number of rules I have broken the last few days, I have not been punished once. Nor is there any tics on my tic chart.

I have issues with crying. Seth doesn’t like me to cry and gets mad when I do, so I shut it off. I stopped expressing my feeling to him. Then he got mad about it so I tried. Now I do not know where he stands. But he likes me to cry when we are fucking. I don’t mind it, I like to cry in a scene, it makes for a great release of all the emotion I have built up in me. But pain does not make me cry easily. It takes quiet a bit. Though, one or two good whacks can bring a tear to my eye. Lately I have been needing more. I want to be beat and used and whipped and hit and punched and slapped and…all that good stuff I have so often read about. I do not know how much I could actually take…But I still want it. I do find though that I am ashamed of these things. I do not want to tell Seth about them. I can tell him I want to be hurt, but i cannot find the words to say punch me..hurt me ..what ever.

I read something to day about a girl who while tied up was beat well beyond her threshhold. The whole time she was screaming obsenceties and calling him names and hating him. But he didn’t stop, cause she didn’t want him to. Now i do not think I could handle all that, but the idea is apealing.

So I guess that is my rant for now. I have more to write, but I don’t know what it is yet. lol

~~jane