Last night was a very long night. I was depressed and lonely, so I took some percocet to help me just pass out. One didn’t work so i took another one..Waited a while and that didn’t work so I took another one. Finally it all kicked in. I could hardly walk.
A day or two ago Seth and I were fucking around. Bub was at g-mas and Bean was sleeping. We fucked around on the couch for a bit and then went to the room. It’s usually or just normal plain vanilla fucking but this time he got out my clamps. It was okay, I wanted them. But in the same sense, it’s not okay.
I have not come to terms with not being owned. My heart is broken and my depression is he worst it has ever been. The whole pain aspect was found when I beame his slave. I took that pain because he wanted to give it. I became to enjoy some of it, but it was still for him. Now he doesn’t want me, but still wants to hurt me. I can’t proccess this in my head. It hurts to much. Not physically but emotionally and mentally. Plain words..It just breaks my heart.
So back to last night…
By the time I went to bed it was 230 am. I was depressed and tired and just blah. Seth decided to play around. But in my jello-ness state, not much was happening. He started hurting me pinching and pulling on my nipples and cunt lips. He was constantly asking if I wanted him to stop. But, honestly, I didn’t know. I like the pain I do, but That was what I did as a slave, and I am not his anymore. I cried. I cried alot. Stuck within the confusion in me.
It kept progressing and he got the crop, by then I was bawling. He stopped and asked again what I wanted. I told him…I didn’t understand what was he doing. I made a grave mistake here. For a momet he held me and wrapped his hand around my throat pushing me down to thte bed. Iw anted for him to say he wanted me. But he never did. It was just sex.
His reply to me saying I didn’t knwo what he was doing, was, Nothing was getting you going so I was trying what I know would work. It was all about sex. How could I have been so stupid!!!! I was lost it after that. I told him I know it is just sex and games to him, But it was so much more to me. He was nice abou it. He still kept pushing for sex, which I expected. It always hurts. But I just he could be more sensitive to how I feel. He held me while I cried. And let me lay down. I passed out shortly after that. But I woke up still hurt. I don’t think the hurt will ever go away.
~~jane
