Breaking the girl

First off, I want to thank you for all your commets. It means so much to know someone is reading. And the advise is always so good.

When I went to bed last night and got up this morning, I had decided to close this blog down. I love having it. I love reader feedback and having somewhere to vent. But who wants to listen to the same bitching over and over.

Seth and I did some research yesterday. I found a question and answer page that had some, some…vaulable information. I found one on breaking the girl. You can read it here: http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/Breaking-sub-extreme-play.htm

It wasn’t kidding when it said extreme. For me atleast… Basically the idea was to beat her into submission. Now I have mixed feelings on this. First of all I GAVE my submission, it didn’t need to be taken that way. Second, Seth and I talked aobut breaking me down. I am very dominate and high strung, independant. But when we disscussed it I made sure Seth understood all I waned was him to stay consistant. That’s why things stop working in the past. He stops ding his part.

As I was tied to the bed and the first full blown strikes started comming down. I had a thought…This is going to be a hard core beating. There is no real intamacy and yet when she submits you are supose to make love. WTF? I took alot. Alot! My back is sore to the touch, it hurts to sit. I don’t how long it all took..But after quite a while Seth stopped and held me for a minute while I cried. Sobbed is more like it. He asked if I wanted to call safe word, so I did. End the scene completely. I don’t think I could’ve taken any more.

When you’ve been with someone a while you learn their body language. And Seth was dissapointed. But it didn’t deter him he still wanted the sex. This confused me. I called safe word, scene over. The next step was to completely be there for her as she would need you. He was just interested in the sex. I couldn’t lay on my back so I moved into doggy style and he started fucking. As I laid there, all I could see was the many times I had just taken it and he got pleasure from it. My hatred started to swell. The realization that I hate sex so much because of him.  I hate sex because he got so much pleasure out of just using me and leaving me depressed and suicidal.

Now we have come a long ways since then. But I can’t forget. I can’t forget that feeling. Seth never did finish. I laid there crying for a while staying in position. Seething in hatred. I went to bed needed somebody more than ever, but had nobody.

I have been thinking alot about the comments left. I am not a slave, probably not even a submissive. But I want this. It is just going to tkae someone strong enough to fight back against me. Today started rough as I still felt that hatred, and even writing this and coming to my conclusions I still feel hatred and disgust.

I had those fantasy bdsm thoughts. Just like every other newbie. But some of them didn’t seem so far out. We have had a couple scenes that blew my mind and actually left me wanting more. It was a kind of romantic, sadomasochistic scene. lol What is so wrong with things being romantic? I know even in a BDSM scene, they can be.

I have decided not to close this journal down. I need it. I need it to know I am not insane or alone. I have decided to not give up being Seth’s slave. I have thought about it all night and all morning. Something made the diffrence. Though I am still seething in my hatred and what not, Seth told me he knew I was probably mad at him from last night, But the attitude needed to stop. Now that wasn’t a big thing. But it showed some degree of notice. Follow through. I have read about slave not having the life they once had with their masters. But they deal with it. Because even if things have gone vanilla, it is about what their masters want.

So I am going to do my best to stick this out and do my part. Even when he isn’t doing his. Things will come together evenutally, or they will fall apart. Only time will tell.

~~jane

Something whitty here..

Last night was on to other things. He’s up on it, he wants it, he’s ready now… So again we plunge into all this. He read the post I made last night and attempted to duplicate it. I haven’t taken a beating in a few months, so taking it as hard as I do was difficult. The fantasy was quick, the reality wasn’t. lol

I think he managed to go through ever pain impliment we have…So I took better than others. And I didn’t cave until he had slapped me so many times my head started to pound.

I am doing my best to be optimistic, but that is so not my nature. lol So I guess it’s a time will tell kinda thing.

It’s my trailor park drama. lol

~~jane

“You do, Sir.”

“Give in slut.”
“Do as i fucking tell you.”
“You need to be in control and i need to break you.”

“I can’t. I just can’t.”

“NOW SLUT!”

He grabs my hair and pulls me to the bedroom.

“Clothes off, NOW!”

“But…”

He slaps me. Hard. Across the face. It burns. The tears are streaming down my face. I take my clothes off… The whole time he is just staring at me.

“On the bed!”

“But…”

He smacks me again.

“Do not question me. Do as I say!”

I get on the bed. My tears, now sobs. I can hear him fiddling in the toy box.

“You will learn to do as I say. Without question, without hesitaion.”

WHACK

The cane comes down hard a fast across my ass.

“I own you.”

Whack

“You wanted this.”

Whack

“You will obey, or there will be punishment.”

Whack

“I will guide you. You will obey me. You need this. You need me.”

Whack

I am sobbing by now. Tears flowing freely. I can barely breath.

“Come to me. Kneel.”

I kneel on the floor and he sits on the bed. He pulls me to him and left me rest my head on his lap.

“I own you, pet. You are mine now. And we will continue this until you learn this and embrace it.”

His words are much softer now as he pets my hair.

“Who owns you?”

“You do, Sir.”

~~jane

Fantasy….Ummm Friday?

Yeah, So I know it’s not friday. Master and I have so many stop and gos since we started this relationship. Nothing has been as good as it was when we first started. I had rules and chores and punishments. It was great. But times changed and things slid down hill. They have there ups and downs……

So we had a pause again to sort things out. Master has been thinking of a way to break me down. Not to diminish me. The purpose of breaking someone down is so you can positively rebuild them…Now, I can be a bit pushy. So Master has his work cut out for him.

So I have been thinking of how I would have things..Or want them, I’m not sure which. I tend to blur what I want with…”fuck, what was I thinking?”

So if it was my way…..

First off a title…

Always Sir!

Sir may I…. Sir, dadad ddadad…

Thank you Sir… So on. It is a respect title.. And I know it would be hard to spit that out when I’m pissed. But that is what punishment is for.

As far as rules it would be simple things…

No shoes in the house )

After that it would be all routines…..Something along the lines of…

The floor is to be vacuumed every morning and dishes done.

Then PC time.

Then whatever comes up after that. The routine is small, but useful and very much needed around here!

When I think about training…..

I picture training to be teaching. Teaching me, as a slave, how things should be done. Whether it is coffee, or a chore, or positions. I expect to learn what is expected of me.

When Master mentioned what he wanted to do tonight…Which was to start breaking me down and training rules, this is what I figured I would do/want/think…lol

I picture slave on the bed/floor hands fastened to her thighs. A good long question answer session. Acompanied with a canning, of course ) AND CLOTHES PINS…DON’T FORGET THOSE!!! ON THE BOOBS, THOUGH, NOT THE NIPPLE. LOL

A few warm up whacks..

“Who do you belong to?”

Whack..

Ohhh maybe whacking while I try to answer??!!

“Where do you belong?”

Some more whacking…

–Insert more questions here.

That sounds about good. lol I really don’t think of much else. The only time I fantasize, it’s about something really grossly perverted i have read or just a nice loving, romantic beating. lol

Okay I take that back….Sometimes they go into more detail. I never get punished, even when I purposely act up. So alot of times..It’s a bad fight. And I am not behaving very slave like and Master just wallops me across the face knocking me to ground, where he starts kicking me and ignoring my pleas to stop…lol Then it all calms down and he steps on my hand and leans down level with me and sets me straight…

Wow.. I have issues!!!

So I think that is about it. lol I think my deal is I have really needed a beating, but I haven’t wanted to put up with the sex, so I don’t ask.

Any suggestions to furthering my training?

~~jane

Puppy cunt beating

So last night was one of those scenes for the memorys folder. Master finally got that I needed some pain. A good beating that I haven’t gotten in so long. I always envy those slaves that get a beating just whenever and the games that give him a certain amount of strokes..*sigh.

So Master and I comprimised…

We started out with some breast bondage, which just does not work well for me. It always pinches a nerve and hurts for days. And not the good hurt. Any how Master tied em up. It was uncomfortable and sore, but it was okay. Master then tied me to a chair. Sitting on it backwards, there is a slit in the chair so he can reach the pussy parts. He tied my legs down and hand cuffed my hands in front of me. I was blind folded and gagged. Then the beating commenced.

He did so good. He started slow and worked it up taking his time. It has to be the best beating I have had. ) It was a switch up between the many diffrent tools we have. But it was nice. Even with the couple interuptions of kids waking up.

Master swears he is going to let zero come back and play, but she hasn’t got to yet. But after the beating Master dragged me up on the bed by the hair making me crawl into the position he wanted. Master had me sit my “puppy cunt” on a dildo and ride it while he watched and flogged me.  He fiddled around and fucked me for a bit, before letting me turn over. Along with my new vibrators I got a nipple pump with bands. I have no nipples. And the pump actually gave me a nipple. I had a nipple!!! lol

So for the second time in this relationship I reached that subspace. It would have been a bit better if I had some music to drift off to. The beating was like an hour, though I am not really sure. I felt my self sway off after a bit and it was great! I remember at one point feeling Master close enough, I tried to lean into him, but either, he moved, or I never made it to him. The sex was good to, but it’s the slow rise in the pain that made it so good. I didn’t have much struggle room, and I like to struggle. But the subspace it a wonderous thing. I think it should be mandatory in contracts or something )

I know I am leaving out so much! lol But I usually do my post the next morning and I haven’t been home all day. But I highlighted the good part. lol

~~jane

Finally some sex…

lol…I like that title…hehe

So In the middle of a rather nice puppy dream…Seth woke me up playing with my ass. I have come to not like anal sex..It hurts to much, plus there are some medical issues there. But the one time I was allowed sub space it was from him playing with my ass..(I am gonna half to find where I wrote that and post it here)

Anyways…Once I  fully woke up and realized I was going to have to fuck, it kind of sucked the goodness out. But it was okay…I needed to pain to help me feel better. Sometimes when I am so sad.. I know a good beating would help me feel better. But beatings don’t happen without sex, so it would just depress me..so I never ask for it. There was a couple punches to the tit, that …whew… I thought were gonna make me cave..But I think I spent so much time crying yesterday that I had no tears left in me…

Anyhow it was kind of a crappy orgasm..but I think i learned why…First off, I kept holding it back, I wasn’t ready to cum yet and I think it dimmed the explosion a bit. Second when I did come Seth choked me and suddenly the big O just stopped..ugg….I like the choking, but it doesn’t seem to work well when I am cumming. But Seth was nice and gave me a good G spot O. (Thank you)

So yeah..that was the extent of the fun..lol My tit hurts hella bad, but there is only one tiny bruise about the size of a dime..WTF??!!

fight back….and then some other stuff

So last night we decided I was goingt o fight back. Completely. Not holding back. It was fun adn good. I fought and he duct taped. lol A while through it, it got pretty intense. Emma said something about her fight scenes were real. She gets angry and honestly fights. And she was ruight. That rage just suddenly built up and it was an honest to god fight or flight moment.

As upset as I was and struggling, I widh Seth would have continuied and just let me fight it out. But I think it scared him when I wouldn’t calm down. So we stopped. Adn so did my urge to even fuck anymore. But he dept trying and fucked me dry, so now I hurt like a bitch and that cyst…omg it hurts.

Not to be let down we started again. This time it went alittle better. Not the great explosion it was the first time around, but it was okay…I had an orgasm that would put niagra falls to shame. lol..damn gotta wash the sheets…

Anhow before that he decided to have a beating session. He doesn’t do this anymore. It is straight on to the cane and the crop. So I was surprised to hear the flogger come out….But there was no sensual beating or anything of the sort..it was all see how much girl can take beating. It hurt beyong belief. And at one point I got angry. I was angry that the first scene was stopped, I was afraid to let go and once I finally did he got stopped. I was angry that he wasn’t taking his time and just beating the crap out of me. I was angry that he didn’t touch me after he hit me…All this things boiling over in my head.

I had a good cry going on in the first scene, but now, there was no tears. I took it all silently and just stayed in my own head. When I finally did get to orgasm…I didn’t yell and make a big woopla I just let it ride out and enjoyed it for once. I think after all that I deserved it.

In my attempt to not make any noise I tried to crawl away from him hitting me…With the can or crop of flogger, whatever the fuck it was..And he just kept hitting. Though that sucked it was cool to. Normally he would have been oh i’m sorry are you okay, do i need to stop. So it was nice he just kept going. Except when he hit my cunt full force with the flogger and it tipped the fucking cyst. Then I thought I was going to explode. The pain was so unbelievable!

Anyhow that was our night..Our morning! So I am off to wash the sheet! lol

~~jane

Oh My…The bruises

So, OMG. I was actually in the mood for once last night. Unfortunatly I had to babysit D’s baby, which ended up being overnight and I had a migraine (still not gone) So I got high on a couple percocet! The night was not shaping up so good. lol

 But in the end we got nasty. I spent some time on yahoo telling Seth what I like and what I want and how I feel. I think he only listened to the sexual things. But atleast he can’t say he didn’t know.

Anyways so it started out with me on my stomach getting beat. He put clothes pins on my pussy and tits..which I was laying on. So it hurt unbelievably! He asked a few question here and there and, over all it was good. I did have to call safeword on one of the clothespins. OMG it hurt so bad!

So that was all good. Then I had to turn over and lay on my back. Yeah well, for christmas I bought Seth a crop, and it finally got put to use. He beat the shit ot of my tits with it. And then there was some fucking and groping, choking, punching, biting, scratching….etc.

Well Now both my tits are full out black and blue. I told Seth, this was one time I would actually let him take a picture for me to post. But my chip reader is broken. So to ge tthe picture I would have to take it to my dads..and yeah well…no.

I read somewhere that ice helps get rid of the bruises and so maybe I’ll sit with an ice pack for a bit.

Anyhow, it was good. I did have a bit of sub drop for the first time. We really didn’t expect is or know how to handle it so Seth just kept playing his game and I kept doing my puzzle. But suddenly I got real sad and wanted to cry and I couldn’t stop shaking. But it went away pretty fast.

So overall it was a good night. Except for the part of not getting to bed till 6 am..UGG!!