Throwing in the Towel

I didn’t want to post yesterday, as I did my post announcing my baby girl turning one year old! Today we had her birthday party. It was a little hectic. She shared her day with my step sister, who has turned 17. Next year we do seprate birthday parties!

So that night, nothing happened. I got to just go to sleep. That was a relief. Last night the kids were fucking hog wild!! OMG. You would think we just gave them sugar to eat all day, not one of them could sit still. So I consoled myself with a few drinks. lol

I get horney when I drink. lol I don’t know why, but it happens, almost everytime. Seth knows this, so whenever I drink he makes plans to do some fucking. I stopped drinking very often. Partly because I feel he is taking advantage of it. I mean yeah he is, but it’s like…because I lost my inhibitions, he loses his too. Not that that is a bad thing. It’s just….I don’t know. Also because I am old..hehe My body can’t take it like it used to.

Anyways he kept to him self and I kept to myself. I drank as I played games and read blogs. Ann came home for the weekend with her bf. so they were on their way. I stayed up and chatted with them for a while. But it was inevitable, I had to go to bed at some point. So I went. Seth brought Nicky in, but he wasn’t interested. He went off and layed down and we fucked. Nothing really new or special. Bam Bam, bullet, fingers, cock…The usual. Then I just passed out.

There hasn’t been much in the lines D/s. It flares up when he wants sex. You can tell when he wants it, cause then he is Sir/Master/Dom..whatever. Most the time I go to sleep and he slips out and goes read the porn in the bathroom. I quit caring. lol It used to drive me nuts. In a way it still does, but I’m done fighting over this shit. I haven’t said anything about the D/s. I think I have just given up.

Not really the ‘throw you hands up and walk away.’ More like….ummm…I guess more like I am tired of pushing so hard for something he doesn’t want. Cause then when I get it, it’s only half ass, cause his heart isn’t in it. And I know I am only getting it cause I WANT it. Not because he does. That make sense? I have already started purging little things out.

AS some of you know jane is not my real name. It started as an online persona, and stuck. There are a few people in real life that only know me as jane. But the little decorations on my pc, no longer have jane written on them. My phone..lol..this is dumb..hehe All the incoming, outgoing and missed calls…yeah well at night I would delete all of them except Seth’s name. I took out Seth’s name and put his real name. I stopped deleting the other calls.

They are insignifcant, they were a part of me. So…Yeah that’s how I feel. lol

We are going to sit down and watch The Dark Night.

~~jane

Fucking update….hehe

So hello. The last couple of days have been pretty good! Surprising, huh!! lol

My birthday looked to be crap, but it turned out so good. The best one I have had since adulthood kicked in. And I got some awsome presents. And today mom got my hair done. So that is so cool.

We haven’t had much fucking going on. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get off with out the “Ouch” factor. But I can’t handle them. As much as I want them, I know I am not ready. As soon as I get to the point of maybe asking…I back out. Any time he has brought up using something I say no. And it immediatly kills the mood. All the toys seem to do is remind me of what I don’t have. What I can’t have. And it hurts all over again.

He has mentioned a couple times about wanting it back, and I am accepting and open to talk, but then he doesn’t say anything. So it gets brought up and then dropped. And that hurts to.

On my birthday he wanted to fuck. He wanted me to sit back and tell him what I wanted. Well first off, I suck at that. I never can say what it is I want. Mostly out of shyness, but sometimes, because I just don’t know.

Had I actually ansered what I wanted…It would have been….To be owned again. To have rules and discipline and structure. But of course that wouldn’t have beent he answer he was looking for. I ended up using my birthday…It’s my birthday, do I really have to? So I didn’t have to.

We fucked around last night. I didn’t really want to. I ended up having to babysit at 10 pm last night, so we didn’t get to bed till 1. And then with the fucking. I was pretty high, after taking pain killers for my head, but it was okay. He got out the nipple clamps, But I have learned I have to be beyond turned on to handle those things. They hurt good and turn me on…but only for a minute, then holy fuck! They hurt!

I got to come a couple times and that was good. There wasn’t anything big to brag about, but it was nice.

So that’s the happening right now.

 

~~jane

Happy birthday to me…

Today is my 25th….Oh god..half way to 30. lol D got me all kinds of tinkerbell stuff and so did my hubby. A new tink purse and a choker and a key chain. My dad still hasn’t said two words to me, but it’s been a pretty good day…Now off to find some chocolate cake!

An oldie song, but one my grandma used to sing…

 

~~jane

Just touching home

Nothing but drama bull shit going on here. The evil step bitch’s family came for my step brothers graduation. And as usual the step bitch fucked it up. She had everyone yelling a the poor boy. Okay so I stepped in when it really wasn’t my place. But I didn’t do anything to bad. But now my dad won’t talk to me. It hurts.

But whatever.

Ann came down this weekend. I let her bring her BF. He’s not so bad. I guess they have decided to wiat a while before they get married. That’s good.

Seth didn’t make it the 2 months. After less than a month he was all about the sex again. I gave up fighting it. It is all he will ever want so fucking blah.

My birthday is tomorrow. Nothing is happening. Ann is the only one that does anything for anyone. Seth wants to spend the money on pizza. That was supposed to be the money for him to get me a birthday present. I don’t know why I bother to fucking care! I hate holidays that have to do with me. They are so fucked up.

Anyways…I am going to stop bitching …for a minute anyways.

lol

 

~~jane