Broken pup update

I am having a real hard time lately. Since puppy play was my niche I have emersed myself in puppy groups and blogs and what not. The littlest things have been setting me off. I am having a hard time controlling my emotions, but every little thing sets me off.

The would-be cage is sitting outside collecting dirt. Today I asked to borrow dads drill so we could set up with cooler. He thought it was for the cage. he asked all this questions and made jokes about it. His heart was in the right place, last time we had spoke about it I was so over excited I was jumping out of my seat. Now everything thing he said just felt like knives in my chest. I ended up bawling, and couldn’t really explain. (younger sister in the car) But he got the idea of what happened. So he just held me for a while and let me cry.

I forget how cool he can be sometimes.

I keep running into everything. I have my old journal saved on the pc so I can write it in my old slave journal. I found my old slave bracelets that I made. And bells for my bracelet. Seth could hear the bells and would remember that I was his.

I talked on the group about how to handle my emotions. The way I feel is because of Seth. So it is his fault. But it’s not his fault that he doesn’t want me. I pushed for it, not him. So it’s not his fault. I figures since he was part of the group too he would have something to say. Coyote is so full of advice, there for a minute he made me smile and have hope. It was nice, even if it only lasted a minute.

So that’s what’s going on now. I think we, as a couple, are losing something. I have gone to bed alone the last two night. He has a new game, I tried to avoid getting it for him, but gave up. We don’t talk any more. But I guess it’s not so bad. It gives me time in my head to figure out what I’m gonna do.

 

~~jane

Punishments and other stuff too

I have been meaning to do a post for a couple days now. For the most part I have just been to damn tired! But there were other factors. Being that half the time I have no clue what is going on.

Most the people on collarme that I have met have been very helpful. Offering a shoulder and some advice…But dear gods I met my first..troll (?) HAHA. He was sweet enough. Promised me everything me everything I wanted, and I hadn’t told him anything. But I declined as politely as I could. I may not be owned but I am married, so no thanks. He still pushed on, and on, and on…..Finally I just told him I had to go to bed. It is flattering to know that there is someone out there who can handle me and does want me. But I’m a hellva lot smarter than that.

As far as us, I don’t really know what is happening. We had talked a bit, more or less argued a bit about sex. He mentioned that he had gone three months without sex when I had the kids. (Not true by the way.) But I said if you can go three months, then what is a couple months right now. He agreed. Two months. No sex, he won’t even ask for it. Now I know this is not a slave posistion. But we are trying to work that back in and not only that, but our marriage as well. I had figured this ment no sex. Period. Well I didnt’ take into account that he would still be messing around with everything.

I admit I was dissapointed when his first order was to sit with my legs open, no pants, so he could see everything. While we eat dinner and have children running around. It wasn’t so much the order that dissapointed me, it was the fact we had talked about him thinking things through. I have been waiting to see the results of that. This was the result. sitting so everyone can see my shit? I got out of it. He did his usually pissy rutine. But later I got in trouble anyways.

I try to keep myself somewhat occupied, so there is not a chance for him to do inappropriate things with the kids around. But he made me rub cunt juice on myself, and then open up so he can see everything. Well WTF. I have always had a problem with the smell. Me personally, I do not like it. But because when I get wet the smell is so strong other people can smell it. His own mother has already told me I stink and everyone thinks so. And it comes right after having sex….go figure. So I blame this one on Sir coyote, as this is where Seth got the idea. So I didn’t hold the kids at all last night. I waited till it wore off today. Then as I am holding everything open, it wasn’t good enough…But I am a big girl and can’t reach, you would think he would get that by now. But okay I shouldn’t have snapped at him.

I bought, okay my daddy bought me clover clamps. I had told him that most the toys I have I have given to Seth as a present, so when things do end he will keep them all. So my daddy let me pick out a toy that would be mine. I had planned to save it for after the weekend when Seth got everything in order, but that didn’t happen. I knew it wouldn’t so I just gave them to him. I had hoped we would try them out together, easy and slow, cause we both have heard how harsh they are. Instead they were my punishment. He clamped one on each cunt lip and yanked the chain. I was excited about them, but not anymore. They seem to be have quarrinteened as punishment device.

Then this morning I screwed up again. Though I am not sure what I did. He usually is pretty easy on me when I have a migraine, but not this time. He ripped at my hair, and grabed my cunt with his nails. I can’t desciribe the pain I felt. Or really how it got there. his nails dug just on the outside of the hole and pulled and ripped and he squeezed harder on the gland, where I get cycst, and that’s what finally pushed me to bawl. I don’t knowwhat I did, but that sucked. It still hurts now.

What sucked is I was in a pretty bad mood yesterday and throughout the night it got better. And the first thing I wake up to is a punishment. It just shot down my good mood. I have had to fight so hard to keep okay today. But I think I did pretty good.

The cage….Well I don’t know what happened with that. Seth confirmed what I was afraid of it. Since I became zero I have wanted a cage. Sooooo Badddd. So when he decided to build one I was estacic. But I took it all the wrong way. I thought he was building it for zero, and that’s why I had gotten excited. But I was afraid he’s use it just for fucking and torture and what not.

During our fight he threw it all outside. So I guess we are not keeping it. He confirmed my fears shortly after, by telling me he didn’t want it for zero, he wanted it for torture and that was it. So in a way I guess I am glad he threw it out. But my heart still hurts.

After yesterdays round of punishments I was afraid to go to bed. I am always afraid to go to bed, but more so after all the punishment. But our oldest had other ideas. He crawled right into bed. and stayed there till Seth fell asleep.

lol They were cute both pass out with there arms in the air…Last nights fear was not over sex, just over being afraid of getting hurt again. I have not quite learned how to proccess those feeling yet. When he hurts me and does things I don’t liek my instict is to shut off. Leave my head so I’m not “there.” He doesn’t want that to happen. So I am doing my best to deal with it all.

I had more to write, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what it was.

So I guess that is it, unless I reember what I had to say..

 

~~jane

On a happier note…

We dug out the baby crib. She is more than ready for it. But somewhere along the way we lost peices to it. So it is pretty much a useless heap of wood and metal. Oh well, she sleeps in the play pen anyways.

Well, if you have read my blog at all, I have a big facination with cages. But we could never find one large enough for me that we can afford. Master suddenly got the idea, since we are not able to use the crib…..lol

We have ben sanding and painting and sanding and setting it up and taking it down and doing some cuts and sanding..lol

It’s starting to come together. Tomorrow everything should be painted. I am nervous about having it. When my facinations started it was as a pen for zero. But zero is long lost with in me now. It was dumb and Master wanted a fuck puppy, not just a pet. So I know half the time I’m sure I will hate what it is used for. But, I can’t help but still be excited. I will finally have something I really wanted. And besides it will be a new element in my puppy dreams. I hope to post a pic when it’s done. It will be a couple days before it’s finished.

I consider S/m part of D/s. So I do not like S/m at all with out D/s, that is a part of the slave me, not the housewife me. So it may be a while before it gets used. We are not ready to get back into the swing of things yet.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share my exciting, scary, exciting, nervous, exciting news. LOL

 

~~jane