Holiday weekend

I am so glad that weekend is over! lol It was so long. Ann and her bf came down to visit. It was also her 19th birthday. I can’t believe she’s an adult. We went to the cantalope festival. Non of us has gotten to see battle of the bands so we got a babysitter for the night. It wasn’t nothing great. We should have stayed over in the main area and watched kareoke. We caught the end of it and by that time me and D were plowed! lol

Seth bought me a ring. It’s not real but it is so beautiful! I absolutly love it! All together we spent like 60 bucks on alcohol. lol But it was fun. They also had a tiger show, and that was awsome! Ann is in love with tigers, so she got a kick out of that. I wanted to get her picture taken with one, but it was 20 bucks.

Seth in I got into a fight this weekend. While I was shopping he accused me of having phone sex. Whatever. I took it harder than I should of. But it has been a touchy subject. Not phone sex, but the fact that there are so many people willing to own me and train me and all I have to do is say yes, take me. But I don’t. I stay here even when I am miserable. I explained all this to him. I told him exactly how I feel. And all the things playing on my mind right now.

I don’t think he heard a word I said. Cause since then, it’s been like nothing happened.

One thing that made me most happy…like the happiest I have ever been, was puppy play. And he took that away. I told him that too. But again, nothing. He had mentioned a while ago bringing it back….

But shit, now I just feel stupid for liking something so dumb. It took me so long to get comfortable with it and be okay with it. And as soon as I did, he didn’t want it any more. So now I just feel dumb.

My heart is hurting tonight. It has been for a few days. I have been very lonely. I talked to Ann about it all. She doesn’t get it, but she understands. I hate having her here, I stress out alot more. But at the same time, it’s nice to have someone around who will talk to me and likes the same things I do and will just hang out.

So that the downlow. Eventful, huh? lol

I’m boring. lol Anyways, I think I am going to go lay down.

~~jane

Just peeking in

So I really have nothing to say. lol Just stopped by to say hi. I have stayed off the computer mostly for the last 4 days. I got a cold and with it a migraine that lasted days. We went to the ER and sat for 3 hours without seeing anybody and finally just left. We went back the next day and again sat for almost 3 hours. This time we waiting for the doc. He gave me Imitrex and something for the nausea, and of course the good stuff. The pain killer that instantly kicks in and makes you all woosie. Ahh….Sweet relief.

I told D, as much as I wanted the pain gone, I dreaded feeling better. Seth is pretty self centered. I have been talking about the Daddy/little girl side of BDSM. As much as I like the idea, I don’t think it would work. Seth does not like taking care of me and helping me when I am sick. So the nurturing, caring, loving rold of DaddyDom probably wouldn’t work for us.

Anyways yesterday I was feeling much better. So we started cleaning house. Everything had been left to build up while I was down. So D came over and helped out a bit. She is the most awsome friend…sometimes. lol

Not much is happening in the ‘us’ category. After the breaking scene things went on for a day and then stopped. That’s the way the usually go. We have a new book on the way. It’s Master Nage’s Guide To Training Consensual Slaves

We haven’t gotten it yet. It seems to be taking along time, since it is shipping from the same state we are in. Anyways…I am learning to handle my emotions better. Things are never going to be the way they were or the way I want them. Seth isn’t strong enough to take me. That’s not a bad thing, mind you. So I learn to write out all my hurt feelings and just delete it. That helps. I read others blogs and revel in their happiness. And for the most part I get along ok now.

Anyways I am off. Gotta start the laundry and probably play some games online. hehe…

~~jane

More trailer park drama

So I had a job interview last week. She was supposed to call on monday, never did. So I called her today. I didn’t get it. Big surprise. Dad says I should go voulenteer there and then reapply. So I think that is what I am going to do.

Today I went out with D. We went and walked around Wal Mart. I had to get some craft stuff for my doll house. We talked alot, which was really cool. We have been spending alot of time talking with each other. I have little quorks, and I told her a few of them. Mostly she laughed at me. The others she cried with me over.

She asked me about the D/s and how it was going. I never told her the full story of what happened. But I explained it to her. I told her how alone I feel and unwanted. She said she can’t understand, cause she hasn’t been in my situation. But she hugged me and told me she loves me. I’m glad she is my friend. Sometimes I hate her, other times I don’t know what I would do without her.

Seth and I sat down and talked a couple weeks ago. He said he wants it all back. That he may not show it, but it hurts him too, that it’s gone. He asked what I wanted. I told him. I want things like they were when we started. I had rules and punishments, and he paid attention and he did his part. Then, the more the sex came on the less the D/s was. He said okay. Then jumped right back to if we could play with all toys that night. *sigh. I know, I should have expected that.

I could help but throw out the “See, I told you” card. He doesn’t want it without all the sex and hitting and shit.

I think alot about the people that have offered to be my “Online Dom.” Honestly…WTF? I mean I just don’t see that working. And besides that, Seth doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want me to find someone who wants what I want. In some ways I take this as he doesn’t want me to be happy. But I know it is just the jealousy in him. If he can’t give it to me then nobody else should. And in his shoes I would be upset if he had another slave too. So there is some understanding. I just doesn’t want to. You know what I mean.

Other times I think…It would be so nice. They know my situation, they understand how I feel. And they are willing to fill that hole for me. To put all that effort, just for me. To set rules and standards. (The punishments, just throw me. I don’t know how that would work.)

D has a bunch of friends she has met on phone chat lines. And she is really close to one. She brought op the whole D/s and all that to him and he is so down with it now. He wants all the websites and everything. So when he comes here he is “in the know.” I think it’s cool. I don’t if she can take it all, but she likes some parts of it already. Plus I will have “real” friends to talk about this stuff with.

This is all the shit plauging my mind right now. lol I think I am going to change the direction of this blog. The more i keep up with other BDSMers, the more jealous I get. I just don’t know what direction to take it. lol Maybe interestin sexy stories or something. Blah..whatever..

 

~~jane

A note to lily and some stuff on D

So yesterday was full of alot of crap! D was in a kind of abusive relationship, so when she found out Seth grounded me from my phone (That is spend talking to her and my dad) She flipped out. And Reg was with her, so she found out and niether of them know much about the lifestyle. D has seen some of my trophy marks and she understands the sexual kink but she has become worried it is more of an abusive thing when it hit out side the bedroom.

Seth and I were still fighting last night and not talking a whole when Dfinally decided to talk to me. I ignored her call for a while and finally talked to her.Right of the bat it was screaming and yelling. Mostly she is just being a good friend and was concerned for my safety. (Thank you.) I tried to explain to her that I didn’t know Seth was going to tell her that he grounded me…And that didn’t help, she was flipping that I should have know that she would have know something was up when he answered my phone….Seth never answers my phone. So we yelled and cried for a few minutes and then said our sorries. She offered to take me out tonight to spend sometime together but, as usual, that fell through.

I tell D quite a bit about my life. She is my only friend. For most of she is understanding. She knows I choose to be his slave. She knows I want things stricter than they are. But she doesn’t understand it all. I can not come out and tell her, I like the abuse..I wish there was more of it. Though she is somewhat of an emotional masochist..I think I am a little bigger one and she doesn’t see how I want it to go that far. I think it has come down to a need to know basis. I will censer my self when I speak to her about my relationship.

So yeah…that was my rant on D…

To answer lily…

I have medication for my migraines. I do not take them cause they make me fall asleep or not be very coherent and Seth doesn’t like it. So I try not to take them often, and just deal with the pain.

I can not get rid of D. She is all I have. Though there have been times I am ready to just throw in the towel with her. She shapes up and reminds me that I need her. And I do. She is the only one that understands my insanities…If I go and tell my father I her voices and I see things he is gonna want to throw me in a hospitol to..But D, she is a friend..she listens and offers help and advice…And sometimes she just lets me cry. And I need that.

~~jane

just a blurb

So still no date night. The theater has not gotten the movie yet..and it doesn’t look like they will get it for atleast a couple weeks. So we decided to spend some time together and ditch the kids. We were supposed to have a nice dinner and watch a movie, but that didn’t happen. We sat on our seprate computers. The one good thing was that grandpa kept the kids till about 2 pm so i really got to sleep in.

 Sometimes I love my daddy! lol

 So that is about it. Everyone is buzzing about cloverfield, so i am debating watching it online or not. I don’t think i want to though. Cause that was the whole reason for our date.

Not much has been happening with the D/s. I figured since I was hurt, we would use this time to work on training and what not. But Master is only into the sex part. But I am not dissapointed this time. I didn’t get my hopes up! Imma smart one. lol

 I love going to D’s house. It is so quiet and there is no TV or computers. It is just peaceful. And she doesn’t hound me about sex. We can just laugh and talk and spend time hanging out. I wish my relationship could be like that. I get lonely here. But I don’t with D. She is awsome and knows me so well. She can make me smile even when I am at rock bottom. I hope I can spend more time over there. It seems to help when I get really depressed. I have fun even just sitting and talking. At home I’m with a house full but I still feel so alone….

~~jane