Another day unowned

Today has not been all that great of a day. Every where I have turned I see some punk with a collar on. Not an ownership collar. Just one to fit in with the cool kids. My hand went straight to my neck everytime. Feeling for where my collar once was, where my tags hung. I grasp at nothing.

There has been no collar for months now. And while each day I am getting better, I still have my moments of….insecurity, I guess. Yes as my husband, I can curl up to him when I feel I need him, but as his slave the feeling of protection was so much more. I felt needed and wanted and …..Owned.

It’s just another day. I stuff my hurt feelings down and deal the best I can, without taking it out on anyone.

Dad took me out today and we talked. Not about what happened over my bro’s graduation but about how things are going with me and Seth.  And overall, they are doing okay. I have little reminders throughout the day that he doesn’t want to own me. I explained this all to my dad. He can be very understanding at times. I never did tell him that Seth quit it all. Till today.

He hugged me and said if I felt I need to feel protection and wanted to call him, and he will hug me and let me know how much he needs me.

Of course that is purely father/daughter…nothing kinky there. So it wouldn’t be the same, but his thoughts was nice to hear. I needed that.

So I am going to lay down or something…

 

~~jane

Broken pup update

I am having a real hard time lately. Since puppy play was my niche I have emersed myself in puppy groups and blogs and what not. The littlest things have been setting me off. I am having a hard time controlling my emotions, but every little thing sets me off.

The would-be cage is sitting outside collecting dirt. Today I asked to borrow dads drill so we could set up with cooler. He thought it was for the cage. he asked all this questions and made jokes about it. His heart was in the right place, last time we had spoke about it I was so over excited I was jumping out of my seat. Now everything thing he said just felt like knives in my chest. I ended up bawling, and couldn’t really explain. (younger sister in the car) But he got the idea of what happened. So he just held me for a while and let me cry.

I forget how cool he can be sometimes.

I keep running into everything. I have my old journal saved on the pc so I can write it in my old slave journal. I found my old slave bracelets that I made. And bells for my bracelet. Seth could hear the bells and would remember that I was his.

I talked on the group about how to handle my emotions. The way I feel is because of Seth. So it is his fault. But it’s not his fault that he doesn’t want me. I pushed for it, not him. So it’s not his fault. I figures since he was part of the group too he would have something to say. Coyote is so full of advice, there for a minute he made me smile and have hope. It was nice, even if it only lasted a minute.

So that’s what’s going on now. I think we, as a couple, are losing something. I have gone to bed alone the last two night. He has a new game, I tried to avoid getting it for him, but gave up. We don’t talk any more. But I guess it’s not so bad. It gives me time in my head to figure out what I’m gonna do.

 

~~jane

Just an update

There hasn’t been much happening around here. We tore the house apart a shampooed all the carpets. So things are just now getting back to some order. We still have not gotten anywhere. I am not a slave to anyone. I still have my submissive moments. I find those seem to happen when I need some love. Usually I just lock my self away in the computer and morn my loses and turn green to the blogs I read. not very productive, I know. But I have read all I can read and researched all I can research. All that is left is for Seth to step up and start studing. He doesn’t seem interested. He is more into his PC for the video games. I deal. I have become accostomed to not being owned again. This is life and I have to take what I get. Cause, just like with anything else, my family comes first.

Sex has been awkward for me. I don’t want it at all. I just want to be held and loved on. But Seth has decided he can not love me with out sex. We went a whole week and a half with out it and everything blew up. He booted me and our daughter out and that even flopped. The only place I had to go, the only friend I have, was way to occupied with herself. We ended up walking home at 5 in the morning. Seth met us and walked home with us.

Nothing has really been talked about. I wrote him a letter and told him what I want, what I need. I wrote alot, but none of it would have mattered to him, so I only gave him the part about what I need. He never said anything about any of it, so I’m guessing he didn’t like what I had to say.

Anyways, back to the sex…it sucks. Even if I am in the mood. There are things I did as his slave that was not normal for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we have ever had “normal” sex. LOL But as his slave it made it okay to enjoy the weird things. I guess I kind of expect things to be more loving now that we are just husband and wife. We have not had loving sex in…..um….fuck I can’t even remember. At least since I had our daughter. Once we found out about the BDSM scene it’s been all mean sex. Sometimes I miss the older days. Before kids, before BDSM, before marriage….Things were simplier. We still had alot of problems, just now we seem to have even more.

BI am not his slave and I should be able to say no. You jack off in the shower anyways, so you don’t need to fuck me. But it’s not worth the fight. This last fight we got into, I left everything up to him. It is always up to me what to do. And that is alot of pressure on somebody. When he booted us I was so hurt. When ever that sort of stuff comes up, I end up thinking about our past and what to do next and what I’ll miss and stuff like that. So when all he can say is that he wants to keep my baby boy, it’s cuts deeper than that fight ever could. I was proud of him for decided to do what he wanted. Alot of the time I feel he would rather be single again. He doesn’t want the responsiablity of the kids or of me. I know I am high matinance. I don’t mean to be, but I am a needy person. I need to be loved, I need to be alone, I need to be held, I need to cry…..The list goes on.

Alot of the time when we get into fights that bad, I wish he would step up and just go. I am always left with the dicision of what to do and how to fix it. And I don’t know anymore. I don’t think we can be fixed. We make it work till one of us screws up and then it’s all back down hill. I don’t think we will be able to handle much more in the fighting department. Even with this medicine I am getting more and more depressed. My life is nothing that I pictured.

I have been craving time with my dad. He is so sick right now and I am afraid of losing him, without telling him everything I need to. But I am not the important one in his life anymore, so I do not take precedence. But he always knows how to make me feel loved, and he never minds spending time with me, even if it is just cuddling and talking.

I have so much more to vent out of my head. But it hurts to think of all these things. So I am gonna call it good for now. lol Before my eyes swell shut.hehe

Elizabeth