Suicidal

Alot of nothing has been happening lately. The doc switched me to zoloft. I don’t think the change was the best idea. I have spent the last 4 or 5 days contemplating suicide. With a bottle of zoloft and enough percocet It should be enough. I spent some time on ASH website. They get a pretty bad rep for not being against suicide and more or less helpful with it. But once you get in it there is also some help to be found.

Seth has decided he does want all this now. It has put me in a tough spot. Gods knows, as well as the rest of you, how bad I want it. But if he is just doing it because I want it, then it’s only going to be half assed. And we will end up back where we were.

I am very emotionally unstable right now. His mother got online and talked with me. Everytime Seth and I have an argument or anything it all resorts back to I am fat. Mind you Seth is 5′8 a buck fifty. His mom is maybe 5′3 and maybe a buck thirty. Then here comes thundering me. And she has always had something to say about my weight. And as usual brought it up last night. By the time I got done talking to her I was an utter mess and bawling. Seth said something about how I felt towards him and I lost it all over again. I am fragile right now. She keeps telling me to watch what I eat and not to much carbs. But I hardly ever eat carbs..or much of anything. I don’t eat alot. I have always been fat. Skinny people will never understand that. She has always been skinny and bitches cause she gained 5 pounds in the last year.

Anyways. I don’t know where things are going. Seth has decided his problem is he only knows how to dom in the bedroom and wants to learn how to do it all the time. I have given him all the info I can. He says he doesn’t like to read. But I think..if he really wanted it he would make the time to read what he needed to to learn how to be good at it.

I am tredding lightly. I am to scared to be hurt. So whenever he brings it up I start to clam up. I couldn’t handle him being asshole dom right now. And I think that is the only thing he really knows how to do.

On another note…The stupid reality is charging us for cleaning the mold out of the carpet. One little patch and they are charging us like 300 bucks. How the hell am I going to pay that? If we don’t they report us to HUD. And HUD will kick us off the program. God I hate this shit. When it rains it pours. Any one willing to help out?

~~jane

Not enough

This are a couple videos I have become attached to. I am big on Buffy. lol But this one..Not enough…It really doesn’t fit I guess, but the idea…I’m not that strong and your not the weak.  Well it says something to me. And when it comes done to it..It’s not enough.

This one…Well this one cuts alittle deeper. Cause really….I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I just started getting my depression under control, and then I am thrown back into it……

 

So I wanted to write, but didn’t really have anything to say. I left a comment to Coyotes kitten, and it mysawell been a blog itself. lol

 

~~jane

 

Depressinly Depression

Depression is such a weird thing. It seems everybody has some form of it. I have been diagnosed with depression since I was young. At fifteen they classed it as manic. Now there is talk about it being bi polar.

The thing is I really don’t hate my depression. It is all I have ever known. Everytime I find something that makes me happy it gets taken away. I used my depression as my muse. I wrote peotry and stories. I drew pictures. When I hooked up with Seth, I lost that muse. I wasn’t so depressed suddenly. But I couldn’t write anymore. Give it about a year, and the depression was back…but lacking the muse. What happened? What changed?

Some days my depression is more sevear than other days. I haven’t had my meds in a couple days and I feel myself getting unbalanced already. I don’t like change, it throws me down quickly. But I can’t stand things to stay the same way…explain that one!

When I was 15 I learned to deal with it all by cutting. A way to physically release the hurt inside me. IT felt good. It became an addiction.

Now the truth behind this post is suicide, not depression. Suicide is a part of my every day life. It is always on my mind, even in my happiest of moments. I have tried about 3 times in my past…when I was 15 I cut my wrist…It all ended with me being on house arrest and adult supervision 24/7 and a few stitches. The second time I was 16 I took all the pills I could find…Mostly pain killers and anti depressants…That ended with  my stomach getting pumped and counsiling. The last was when I was about 21. The first time I had been raped. I tried to suffocate myself.

It is always on my mind, wether suicide or something simple as cutting. I try my hardest not to cut now. Only for the reason of my kids. I don’t want to explain all the scars. I hope I can be more understanding than my father was or their father is, to help them learn a better way to deal with their hurt. And Goddess willing, they will never be hurt the way I have.

I have planned out many times that I would just finish it. But something intervines. Usually my dad. He seems to have a sixth sense when something is up with me.

I don’t think cutting is bad thing. I am an adult and that is how I choose to deal with my constant hurt. It is not hurting anyone else…The only reason I don’t is for my kids.

I have no point to this. Any of this. It has just been on my mind so much lately. I don’t think I can handle any more hurt.

I have an afinity for blue october. Hate me. Seth’s way of dealing with my cutting was to leave me. If I cut again he would leave me. My sis said that is what she was going to tell her BF. So I screamed at her not to. By saying that you just hurt him more, and end up with the adverse reaction. If she is supportive it will help more than pushing him away. I don’t mean letting him cut or helping him. But being there for him and just him to talk to or just be with when he is that down.

Hate Me says, I’ve been sober now for three whole months, it’s once accomplishment that you helped me with. I cling to that alot. I have not been “sober” for three months any more. But no one helped me. It’s a battle I fight on my own. Not very successfully mind you. It usually just gets built up and stuck inside me. I cry it out by playing music, but Seth doesn’t like that and gets mad at me for it. Everytime I am depressed..daily..he thinks it is because of him. It’s not always, but nonetheless it makes him upset with me. The old slave in me trys so hard not to get him upset with me, even though we are vanilla, some habits are hard to break. lol

So that’s my blah for right now. I know non of it made any sense…but isn’t that what a journal is for? LOL

 

~~jane

Just an update

There hasn’t been much happening around here. We tore the house apart a shampooed all the carpets. So things are just now getting back to some order. We still have not gotten anywhere. I am not a slave to anyone. I still have my submissive moments. I find those seem to happen when I need some love. Usually I just lock my self away in the computer and morn my loses and turn green to the blogs I read. not very productive, I know. But I have read all I can read and researched all I can research. All that is left is for Seth to step up and start studing. He doesn’t seem interested. He is more into his PC for the video games. I deal. I have become accostomed to not being owned again. This is life and I have to take what I get. Cause, just like with anything else, my family comes first.

Sex has been awkward for me. I don’t want it at all. I just want to be held and loved on. But Seth has decided he can not love me with out sex. We went a whole week and a half with out it and everything blew up. He booted me and our daughter out and that even flopped. The only place I had to go, the only friend I have, was way to occupied with herself. We ended up walking home at 5 in the morning. Seth met us and walked home with us.

Nothing has really been talked about. I wrote him a letter and told him what I want, what I need. I wrote alot, but none of it would have mattered to him, so I only gave him the part about what I need. He never said anything about any of it, so I’m guessing he didn’t like what I had to say.

Anyways, back to the sex…it sucks. Even if I am in the mood. There are things I did as his slave that was not normal for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we have ever had “normal” sex. LOL But as his slave it made it okay to enjoy the weird things. I guess I kind of expect things to be more loving now that we are just husband and wife. We have not had loving sex in…..um….fuck I can’t even remember. At least since I had our daughter. Once we found out about the BDSM scene it’s been all mean sex. Sometimes I miss the older days. Before kids, before BDSM, before marriage….Things were simplier. We still had alot of problems, just now we seem to have even more.

BI am not his slave and I should be able to say no. You jack off in the shower anyways, so you don’t need to fuck me. But it’s not worth the fight. This last fight we got into, I left everything up to him. It is always up to me what to do. And that is alot of pressure on somebody. When he booted us I was so hurt. When ever that sort of stuff comes up, I end up thinking about our past and what to do next and what I’ll miss and stuff like that. So when all he can say is that he wants to keep my baby boy, it’s cuts deeper than that fight ever could. I was proud of him for decided to do what he wanted. Alot of the time I feel he would rather be single again. He doesn’t want the responsiablity of the kids or of me. I know I am high matinance. I don’t mean to be, but I am a needy person. I need to be loved, I need to be alone, I need to be held, I need to cry…..The list goes on.

Alot of the time when we get into fights that bad, I wish he would step up and just go. I am always left with the dicision of what to do and how to fix it. And I don’t know anymore. I don’t think we can be fixed. We make it work till one of us screws up and then it’s all back down hill. I don’t think we will be able to handle much more in the fighting department. Even with this medicine I am getting more and more depressed. My life is nothing that I pictured.

I have been craving time with my dad. He is so sick right now and I am afraid of losing him, without telling him everything I need to. But I am not the important one in his life anymore, so I do not take precedence. But he always knows how to make me feel loved, and he never minds spending time with me, even if it is just cuddling and talking.

I have so much more to vent out of my head. But it hurts to think of all these things. So I am gonna call it good for now. lol Before my eyes swell shut.hehe

Elizabeth

Did I say that?

Shit, that was me, wasn’t it.

Oops.

Well I warned Seth not to read it. Hopefully he didn’t. But I have a feeling he did. He stated today that I am now being micro managed. I forget to ask permission for stuff cause I haven’t had to. But I haven’t been punished for that either. So I am not allowing my self to get excited. It will probably pass over in a couple days…

So another reason I think he did read it…is some of the comments I have gotten. Even if they are negative, please let me know your reading. It’s nice to know someone is listening to me. However I do delete the negative ones. I don’t need to go back and see more negativity than is already here.

So to address a couple things…

I am not in any danger of hurting my kids!! Yes, I did have some issues with this. It was post pardum depression and the doctor said it was perfectly normal. I do not have that any more. Yes I get horriably depressed still and feel I can not handle the babies, but I wouldn’t hurt them.

I do have depression. I have it because I hate my life. I hate how I live. I hate that we live off the government. And I am very embarrassed of my life. I can not wait to get this surgery and lose wieght so I can give my kids a normal life.

I have depression because I do not feel cared for.I made sure to throw in the fact that Seth made me breakfast for v-day….Did I mention he also saved the dishes for me?! For once I would like to be thought of first. That is all. I always make sure Seth has everything he needs and wants..but when it comes to something I need, it doesn’t matter.

Okay I am ranting again…sorry

My point was these are reasons I am depressed. Among other things. It has nothing to do with my children and I try not to take anything out on them.

As far as the sex thing..this is how I looked at it…..

Seth said he has plains of bring back zero. Fine. It would have been nice to have zero when I was ready to rip my hair out and needed that release. But fine. Before he brought zero back he wanted to restablish jane first. I get that. Except there has been nothing done to reastablish jane, but I understand what he meant.

Well I feel that jane should be esablished before we bring back in the sex. The D/s part of the lifestyle played a big part in the M/s part as well. And Seth only saw this as roleplay. I did not see it that way. And there for I do not have that urge to have sex. I get nowhere with plain boring sex. And I get nowhere with fake M/s sex.

It has nothing to do with being raped. I have been doing my best to put that behind me and not let it rule me. Yes I have been raped. Yes I have forgiven him. No, I have not forgotten. And sometimes I get scared…But I have made vast improvements there. I had sex with Seth on v-day and it hurt so bad that I have just now stopped hurting. But I didn’t cry rape, even though he knew I didn’t want it and did it anyways. I took it and did what I had to, to get it over with.

This does not mean I do not have respect for Seth. I want to be his slave and be his submissive. But I am not going to give that to him, just to have him throw it in my face. Once you have been hurt in a situation, you take the time to not get in that same situation again. Therefore I am leary of giving my full submission to Seth. I have to test and push and find out if he is serious this time. And once I see that he is..Then I will give my unconditional submission back to him.

So before you pass judgement on me. Get the full story and not just his.

I believe this post does not have alot of respect in it, and I do not mean it to be that way. But I needed to explain to you anonamous commenters how it is and what I feel. I wrote everything on my mind last night and that is why that post came out so wired and fucked up. I needed to get it out before I got bad. And it helped. It may just be a computer screen, but at least I know somebody is listening to me. It is the only outlet that I have….with this crap, though the cutting is starting to look inviting. I remember that releif. It felt good….

I am rambling again… 

To those of you that support me, thanks for you advice and nice words.

~~jane

One of those post……

So I have put this on hold all day, debating weather or not to post this. Something is nagging at me not to. Just erase it a pretrent you poured your heart out. But I know that won’t help. So this is my warning. Mostly to Seth, 

You are not going to like anything in this post. In fact, it might be best if you just don’t read it!

~~jane 

Well, Hello! How have you all been?

 I have been wanting to write for a long time now, but I have nothing to write about. I have been sick for a couple weeks now, so that took some time. But even since all that….I still have nothing usefull to say.

I am still unowned. But I have come to a new thought on it. When I first found this lifestyle I adapted so fast. I followed my rules…

call ever 2 to 3 hours..

No underwear

Certain chores had to be done….

I did all that and it worked great. We would spend time in the evening when he got home talking about things as husband and wife and not slave and Master. I loved it! Since he has been staying at home, nothing gets done. My rules are not pushed and the house is a mess. And we never talk.

After I found this lifestyle and showed it to Seth I was so excited. He seemed so excited and now…..His pop the bubble game is what is important to him. Oh well, right? That’s what I thought. It was a role play, and so what if it didn’t work out. It added some fun for a minute. But it’s not like that. It wasn’t just a role play for me. It became what I needed to be happy. It was what I found, was a part of me that was missing.  And without it…where does that leave me? I am lost now. I conform for my family. That is what a good wife and mother does, right? I vent to my slave sisters. They seem to be the only ones that care and understand how deeply it affects me. I don’t know what I would do with out them. They have saved my life so many times already.

So that picture speaks volumes to me…I do not wear any collar, because to Seth it is an open invitation for sex. Which I don’t want. I actually think I have grown out of sex. Is that possiable???!!!  I think I may be getting old!!! Finding out that I was a masochist was hard for me to take, and in some ways it still is. But it is something I enjoyed for diffrent reasons.

Yes I get off on the pain…Not just the physical pain, but the emotional, the psycological pain…The mere fact of knowing that him beating the crap out of me was turning him on made it a turn on for me. Even if I didn’t like the pain, I think I still would have ‘liked’ it just because he did.

I do not like catering to people. I like to take care of D, because when ever I need it, she is there to take care of me. But Seth isn’t that way and I do not feel the need to take care of him. When it was a part of my slavery then that was fine. I did it because it was a rule, I did it because that is what I was told to do. And I enjoyed having that place in my slaveness.

Anyhow…As I said I have been sick for a couple weeks. But on v-day I gave in. The sentimentle holidays never mean much. So I have come to not put any thought in them. I try not to notice what X got or any body else. I did get breakfast in bed..so that is something. Even though I have explained to Seth the reasons I do not want to have sex, he pushed it anyways and I gave in. It was bad..really. But it was in the range I expected it to be. And have not wanted to do it since. I have not desire to fuck or anything of the like. It’s gone…POOF!!!

At first I thought this was because of the medicine I am on…But now that the medicine is not working any more I doubt that is it. Sex is a chore. I have heard it everywhere that, for girls, sex is psychological. You have to stimulate their minds before their twats! As many times as I have heard this….You think eventually it would sink into guys heads! But no… it doesn’t not even when you, yourself…myslef…have said it.

Sex for a while was very D/s. There was plently of M/s, but it all had that air of D/s. I have caught myself a few times in the past month or two, silently praying that during sex he doesn’t expect me to call him Master! I think dear god….If he was to, I would die!! Laughing probably..but not for long. I know once I told him no, that he is not my master he would get pissed and that night would have ended in a fight.

That is all besides my point…..Actually I do not think I have a point. This whole post is more of rant of all the things in my head. (I thought maybe, if I wrote them out, I wouldn’t get so depressed!) And that is a whole nother issue…

My depression is getting so out of hand. I talked to one of my slave sisters, she said the first time she was released she got depression really bad and basically got lost. I have been trying to think of what to do…..

I told the doc I was depressed….They put me on pills and called CPS on me. He tried to put me in a mental hospitol for a few days. I declined and left. Well now what?  I can try to explain to the doc again that I am still depressed and the pills are not working, but he is just gonna send me back to the mental people and say I need to go to the hospitol.

 So what the fuck am I supposed to do?! I am getting beyond lost!! I spent the other night in a big ole fat fight with Seth’s mother about how she is so willing to take my kids so I can go to the hospitol. Seth told her I was looking at depressing stuff and listening to depressing music. Funny shit, since that was the one day the secret post where all pretty much happy and I was in a good mood, till she talked to me.  She bitched at me for being a cutter and asked a bunch of questions…She wasn’t happy with the answers. I told her all the truth. I have done it since I was 15. And I straight up told Seth that and he accepted it as part of me. All of a sudden it is this horriable thing that I am not allowed to do. But it is okay for him to want to do it! What the FUCK!!!!!!??????Anyways…… So it was a big nasty fight with her. And I am still not ready to deal with her right now.  She is two faced half the time. And I can’t talk to Seth about it and he won’t defend me to her..so I do not want to even go there!!!

I don’t know where to go from here. This turned out to be a big fat rant! But I needed to let it out. I can’t talk to anybody else about it. They all say I need to leave Seth and do what is good for me, for once, instead of letting him walk on me and making me feel that I don’t matter. He has made so many imporovements I would hate to give up now….

Fuck

Life sucks!

~~jane