Confusion

Things are kinda up in the air. I tried to explain my feelings in my last post to Seth and he wouldn’t listen. Or didn’t understand. Which ever…we didn’t get anywhere.

I have been thinking things through, alot. You all know how bad I want this. How bad I want all of it. But when it comes down to it, Seth wants the sex. And I am not submissive. So that puts us in a very….weird place. I don’t event hink weird is the word. But I don’t know what is. I absolutly envy some of the people I read. Like kittens blog. They have a real relationship. She has her bad days, and he his. But she is an honest submissive. And him, an honest dominate. Things are talked through and punishments are given, and they move on with their day.

Nothing, no matter what it is, is as good as it was origianly was. The newness wears off. Things get old and stale. Fact is…I do not take orders well. Many have said I should be the dominate in our position. And that is peobably true. But Seth would not be a submissive to me. He wouldn’t like it. He wouldn’t like the things I would require of him. And that’s okay. I do not take well to giving orders and punishment.

So where the hell does this put things? Put us? Seth doesn’t agree with my way of thinking. He thinks the only way to get it back is to dive in. But where are we diving? His orders so far have been sex and to walk around a table 5 times. I don’t want that. I don’t want sex. He knows I don’t and still is pushing so hard that I am back to praying my kids wake up, and not wanting them to leave the house. Just to have a reason to say we can’t. I know..tell him you don’t want it. I do. He knows. We talked about it. And we agreed, when I want it, I will let him know. I haven’t told him I want it.

I hate that things are so complicated. Why can’t two people just love each enough to want to make each other happy? Why can’t I ever be happy? Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and leave. I need to be where I feel cared for. I need to feel safe, not afraid. Not used.

~~jane

Confusion and disorder

BE WARNED. tHE FOLLOWING POST IS ALOT OF JUMBLES THAT PROBABLY MAKE NOW SENSE. iT IS JUST SHIT FLOATING IN MY HEAD AND HURTING ME…AND i NEEDED TO SPIT IT ALL OUT.

I don’t really have anything to say. Doc put me on a new medication and so far…no good. The other medication was…wearing Off…not working…Something along those lines. I’ve been starting to fall back into having to fight back tears all day long. Just to make sure Seth doesn’t ask what wrong. Cause, honestly, I don’t wanna talk about it. I am done talking about it.

The new med I have taken tonight for the first time. And now, about an hour later, I have dissovled into tears. Maybe it’s just my depression getting the best of me. We had a bit of a blow up today. I don’t even remember how it started. But it took off because he decided he would try to take charge of me. I asked him, what the hell for? For real. He doesn’t like that I vent on my blog. So he stopped reading it. It served a good use. It opened the lines of communication for us. But that does no good if he doesn’t read it. But there is a good side too! Without him reading it, I am free to be more open about my feelings…

I don’t see much potential in our relationship. He wants sex. I don’t. What does that leave? Yeah, well the normal answer would be alot. But it’s not. That is all he is here for is the sex. Without it he just plays video games all the time.

I have been reading a blog today. The whole blog all day lol..Unfortunatly I can’t find the link now. But it DesprateHusband. Him and his wife are disconnected. She seems to no longer have an intrest in him and he talks about his stuggles with it and his affair.

I haven’t had an affair. I have cheated once. It was a revenge move and not good one, I admit. I didn’t feel guilty at first. I wanted to tell him and rub it in his face…Maybe then he could hurt as bad as I did. But the guilt set it. I didn’t want him to feel like I did. I felt hated and unloved and suicidal. Nobody should have to feel that way. So I couldn’t find the right time to tell him. It eventually came out and he was mad. Understandably.

I couldn’t have an affair. I could never be that untrue to someone. I have been through hell. I read about the way this guy was feeling. His wife didn’t want sex. Would rarely kiss him or show affection. That is who I am turning into to. I don’t want affection. It just makes it all hurt more. But that is all he is is sex. Him jacking off in the shower and reading porn in the bathroom and erotica and sex games on the pc. That is who he is. So, says a friend, if you cut him off (for you own sake, of course) He will eventually just look elsewhere.

I am too the point I do not care. He still liked his ex girlfriend. He liked my sisters friend. He liked my sister. He liked girl that showed up at his work. He like girls on the internet. He will always like other people. Skinnier, pretty people.

I have feared that because I don’t put out he will find somebody else. I dye my hair red, because my sisters friend had red hair, and he showed such an intrest in her. I tell him when I am on my way home so I don’t catch him with anybody at home or online. I am trying so hard for this surgery for him.

I do all this to try to be what he wants. But all he wants from me is sex. I never thought, as fat girl, I would ever say that. lol

So many people tell me I have a choice…I can be miserable for the rest of my life or I can move on and do what makes me happy. I don’t even know what makes me happy. Being stable and not living off the goverment would make me very happy. Not worring about losing my home would make me happy. I guess I do know a few things.

I have no point to this post. I’m all fucked up right now, and just needed to spill what is in my head. I can’t really hope for the passion to come back. There never was any. We have had some passionate sex, but there has never really been passion in our marriage. It’s always about who we can add to the bedroom and what dirty thing I can do for him.

I don’t think leaving is an option for me. I don’t think staying is an options for me. I know a break isn’t an option for me. I am optionless. lol

Throwing in the Towel

I didn’t want to post yesterday, as I did my post announcing my baby girl turning one year old! Today we had her birthday party. It was a little hectic. She shared her day with my step sister, who has turned 17. Next year we do seprate birthday parties!

So that night, nothing happened. I got to just go to sleep. That was a relief. Last night the kids were fucking hog wild!! OMG. You would think we just gave them sugar to eat all day, not one of them could sit still. So I consoled myself with a few drinks. lol

I get horney when I drink. lol I don’t know why, but it happens, almost everytime. Seth knows this, so whenever I drink he makes plans to do some fucking. I stopped drinking very often. Partly because I feel he is taking advantage of it. I mean yeah he is, but it’s like…because I lost my inhibitions, he loses his too. Not that that is a bad thing. It’s just….I don’t know. Also because I am old..hehe My body can’t take it like it used to.

Anyways he kept to him self and I kept to myself. I drank as I played games and read blogs. Ann came home for the weekend with her bf. so they were on their way. I stayed up and chatted with them for a while. But it was inevitable, I had to go to bed at some point. So I went. Seth brought Nicky in, but he wasn’t interested. He went off and layed down and we fucked. Nothing really new or special. Bam Bam, bullet, fingers, cock…The usual. Then I just passed out.

There hasn’t been much in the lines D/s. It flares up when he wants sex. You can tell when he wants it, cause then he is Sir/Master/Dom..whatever. Most the time I go to sleep and he slips out and goes read the porn in the bathroom. I quit caring. lol It used to drive me nuts. In a way it still does, but I’m done fighting over this shit. I haven’t said anything about the D/s. I think I have just given up.

Not really the ‘throw you hands up and walk away.’ More like….ummm…I guess more like I am tired of pushing so hard for something he doesn’t want. Cause then when I get it, it’s only half ass, cause his heart isn’t in it. And I know I am only getting it cause I WANT it. Not because he does. That make sense? I have already started purging little things out.

AS some of you know jane is not my real name. It started as an online persona, and stuck. There are a few people in real life that only know me as jane. But the little decorations on my pc, no longer have jane written on them. My phone..lol..this is dumb..hehe All the incoming, outgoing and missed calls…yeah well at night I would delete all of them except Seth’s name. I took out Seth’s name and put his real name. I stopped deleting the other calls.

They are insignifcant, they were a part of me. So…Yeah that’s how I feel. lol

We are going to sit down and watch The Dark Night.

~~jane

starting again

I found this qoute at: http://friskeykitten.wordpress.com/

“The cruelest thing a Master can do to a girl is to make her fall for Him when He doesn’t intend to catch her fall.” ~ Unknown

It speaks volumes. I can see how it can be taken diffrent ways though. Such as love, falling in love with one who was solely master and not lover.

But I saw it a bit diffrent…

Seth knows how much living this type of life means to me, or atleast he should. It has nothing to do with sex or S and M. It is the control that I crave, that I need. It’s knowing that if he says to do the dishes, that I better do them or else…

I feel that in something as simple as him holding me. Yeah he can and has held/hold me before all the D/s. But the feeling is diffrent. The feeling now is that he owns me, and protects me and is my everything. Without it, it just feels like another man, like so many others, just holding his girlfriend.

The simpliest things take on a whole new meaning when you add the D/s in the mix. I do chores because I have to, because no one else will dare lift a finger to help. But to do them because I have to is another story. I am doing them because he wants them done. Because he said so.

You all have heard me bitch and cry over how hurt I am about him “wanting” to pick up the reins but not doing it. Now he has decided to do it. I am not holding my breath. Not out of doubt or…okay well I guess it is out of doubt. What makes now any diffrent from the last few months? what has changed that he is suddenly going to be the Master he was before?

Nothing.

Nothing has changed. He demeanor hasn’t changed. The way he has been handling things or me hasn’t changed. He has talked about rules and a temporary collar. I have made one, with the intention of giving or selling it to a friend. I do not see myself being collared for a long time. Why? Trust. How can I trust the same shit won’t happen all over again?

I don’t want to be given a collar just to go back to plan jane, depressed, housewife. I showed him this blog post http://www.socialperversion.com/2008/07/the-basics/from conquor4love.

He liked the way he has things set up. The idea to me was, the rules are basic. Baisic enough that they are remembered as there are three main rules:

Rule #1 : My way may not be the best way, the fastest way or even the correct way but it is the only acceptable way.
Rule #2 : “No” is never an acceptable response to a command that is given.
Rule #3 : Do as I say.

Simple, huh. And he can set daily rituals to how he wants them. In the begining we had that list floating around..128 rules or something like that. We had narrowed it down to the ones that worked for us, that still came out to like 80 some odd rules. And you know, he remember every single rule. And kept up on them everyday. Now he can’t remember that I am supposed to ask to do anything. And punishments are just threats, they never are followed through.

Now I am not putting Seth down at all. I am saying this is how things are. Now he wants to go for it again. Dive in. I am resisting. For the most part I do not try to. It has become a defence. A way to protect myself from getting hurt. I am ready to call it good, count my loses and deal, rather than fall again.

But I want it so bad. I want what was there 9 months ago. I am in no way a slave, atleast not a very good one. As kaya once said I am not submissive, you want it, your gonna have to take it. That’s the way I am. I can’t help that.

I am doing my best, though I am resisting startign up again…I can’t take the hurt. He’s jsut let me fall so many times….I don’t think he will catch me….

“The cruelest thing a Master can do to a girl is to make her fall for Him when He doesn’t intend to catch her fall.” ~ Unknown

~~jane

Bitch moan bitch

Well things fell through. Last night went much worse than it needed to be. Depression happens, I can’t stop it. But if I don’t talk about it at that very moment Seth gets pissed. A friend suggested that even if Seth stops, that I should keep going. Keep following my rules. WHAT FUCKING RULES??!! I have to say Sir and ask to get on my pc int he mornings. Even though there has been nothing I have kept doing that. Last night it hit me. I got a comment from someone saying hw would have liked to own me if I lived closer. I wish I did. It seems everyone that is willing to want me and train me live in another country.

I talked with Seths mom last night… As usual the conversatin always goes where I don’t want it to. What ever it is, it goes there. She had to ask about the D/s and how it was all going. (She made us rings That Seth gave me mine as a collering on our annivesery. Then tried to sleep with my sister. I don’t wear the ring.)

I told her. I told her the truth. It’s not.  It’s me wanting it so bad and him trying to get sex. He got mad about that to, cause she said something about it. Mom mixed with Seth getting pissy and my own feelings..I just ended up crying. I would have been fine if everyone had just left me alone. Now it’s all on the forefront of my mind and I’m pissy as fuck.

I am trying to find ways to work through all this on my own. He just make sit worse with the empty promises. And I don’t really have anybody else. Other people have suggested how they have a master seprate from their husbands. I know if I am ever going to be owned, that is the only way. But right now, I am just working on healing and forgetting.

Yeah right I know. lol

I found this article at TIH, http://www.takeninhand.com/i.want.it.all.and.i.want.it.now?PHPSESSID=d658a60268733587e35ef65da4acca6b

So when I see a woman friend of mine impatient for intimacy, wanting her man to take control and do it now, wanting him to take a leap of faith and dare to accept the authority she is offering him, wanting real dominance and discipline and wanting it harder, more extremely, more, more, more, wanting him to take the risk of trusting her totally, wanting him to have the courage to go onward into love and life, I understand. And when I see a man I know wanting a woman so much that he is going out of his mind with desire and love for her, wanting it all, and wanting it now, and sometimes pushing her so much he overwhelms her, I understand.

But we have to remember that other people, including those closest to us, are not us. They are separate individuals. They have their own wishes, their own preferences, their own needs, and their own concerns. Ultimately, we all need to control our own lives. This includes the man you women so desperately wish would take the reins of your relationship, and it includes the woman you men wish would hurry up and take everything you are offering.

Pushing them won’t help, it will only drive them away.

So when you think you know best how your lover should conduct his life, remember that maybe you don’t actually know best at all. It is his life, not yours, and he must live it as he himself thinks best. He can only live it as he thinks best.

Yes, I know. How he lives his life affects you, so your pushing is not about getting him to change his life, it is about getting him to change just that part of his life which affects you. It’s about give and take, it’s about getting your legitimate and reasonable needs met, it’s about being in this together rather than two separate, unconnected lives. If you may not give voice to your thoughts or ask for what you want, just what kind of relationship is it anyway? Can it even be called a relationship at all? Aren’t you supposed to be a team? How can it be you and him against the world if he is dragging his feet? If he loved you, he would want to meet your needs. He’d find a way to give you the control you want. He would understand your need for discipline and consistency and deep conversations and little romantic gestures.

Maybe he would; maybe he wouldn’t; but what about his wishes? What about his needs? Do you think that he is wilfully failing to meet your needs out of spite? Do you think he is failing to take you in hand because he wants to make you unhappy? Do you know what this feels like to him?

If you can’t accept those you love as they are, and they do not want to change, it may be time to move on. Spending years trying to change a person is a recipe for unhappiness for both of you.Sometimes, when you are in this sort of situation, you can’t see the wood for the trees. You see only your own unfulfilled needs, and fail to see how painful it is for the person you love to be on the receiving end of the lack of acceptance that your unfulfilled needs represent. You feel like a victim, so your spouse must be responsible, and jolly well ought to change to meet your needs. Your needs are a tacit demand that your spouse be a certain way (whether he wants to or not) and do certain things (whether he wants to or not). Only then will your spouse become acceptable to you. Until then, your spouse is hurting you, wronging you, victimizing you – whether he wants to or not.

Think of it from the other person’s point of view. How does it feel to be on the receiving end of your partner’s unfulfilled needs? How does it feel to be held responsible for the unhappiness of someone you love, when you want more than anything in the world for that person to be happy? How does it feel to be accused of not caring, when you care very deeply? How does it feel when the one you love makes it perfectly clear that you are unacceptable and will have to become a completely different person or suffer their wrath for ever? It’s enough to make a grown man cry. That’s how it feels.

It’s alot to read, I know. But it is the exact situation. But through all that, yes it’s my life to a T…What does one do about it? I move on. I keep my feeling to myself. I will live through my blog and others’ blogs like I have been.

On another note…Seth’s mom thinks it would be better if I felt better about myself. She is going to help me push for the bypass surgery. Nobody would give me a loan to get it, cause it would take me a lifetime to pay it back. And insurance won’t even put me on the waiting list. So she is going to get some info for me. Is there a way to get people to donate? lol

~~jane

No surprises there!

We have been gone camping for like the last 4 days. It was pretty cool. It was nice to get away from home and chores and bills and all the other crap. The day I did my last post, Seth said all rules were reinstated. But pretty much I just has to say Sir. I did forget to ask to get on the PC and he made comment to a punishment, but as I suspected, never went through with it.

I kinda figured he would want to take advantage of having a slave while we were campning since outdoor sex is a kink of his. But nothing. No rules, no punishment, nothing. I haven’t really cried over it, though. I knew it would end up this way.

It is no surprise to those of you who read I know. But I  needed to let it out. I am slowly removing myself from the bdsm world. I no longer post on TSR or on IC. I do still read the blogs though. I bring myself not to. It hurts to see that, so and so get it why can’t he, but whatever, that is my own green monster slipping through.

My hardest problem is not taking my hurt out on him. Though it is his fault, I already knew better. I’m still playing the idea of telling him I want an online relationship. Not really, I don’t want an online relationship, but something is better than nothing and it hurts so bad right now. Something to fill this void. This hole that won’t stop growing.

So that is my rant for today. Nothing new or surprising.

More trailer park drama

So I had a job interview last week. She was supposed to call on monday, never did. So I called her today. I didn’t get it. Big surprise. Dad says I should go voulenteer there and then reapply. So I think that is what I am going to do.

Today I went out with D. We went and walked around Wal Mart. I had to get some craft stuff for my doll house. We talked alot, which was really cool. We have been spending alot of time talking with each other. I have little quorks, and I told her a few of them. Mostly she laughed at me. The others she cried with me over.

She asked me about the D/s and how it was going. I never told her the full story of what happened. But I explained it to her. I told her how alone I feel and unwanted. She said she can’t understand, cause she hasn’t been in my situation. But she hugged me and told me she loves me. I’m glad she is my friend. Sometimes I hate her, other times I don’t know what I would do without her.

Seth and I sat down and talked a couple weeks ago. He said he wants it all back. That he may not show it, but it hurts him too, that it’s gone. He asked what I wanted. I told him. I want things like they were when we started. I had rules and punishments, and he paid attention and he did his part. Then, the more the sex came on the less the D/s was. He said okay. Then jumped right back to if we could play with all toys that night. *sigh. I know, I should have expected that.

I could help but throw out the “See, I told you” card. He doesn’t want it without all the sex and hitting and shit.

I think alot about the people that have offered to be my “Online Dom.” Honestly…WTF? I mean I just don’t see that working. And besides that, Seth doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want me to find someone who wants what I want. In some ways I take this as he doesn’t want me to be happy. But I know it is just the jealousy in him. If he can’t give it to me then nobody else should. And in his shoes I would be upset if he had another slave too. So there is some understanding. I just doesn’t want to. You know what I mean.

Other times I think…It would be so nice. They know my situation, they understand how I feel. And they are willing to fill that hole for me. To put all that effort, just for me. To set rules and standards. (The punishments, just throw me. I don’t know how that would work.)

D has a bunch of friends she has met on phone chat lines. And she is really close to one. She brought op the whole D/s and all that to him and he is so down with it now. He wants all the websites and everything. So when he comes here he is “in the know.” I think it’s cool. I don’t if she can take it all, but she likes some parts of it already. Plus I will have “real” friends to talk about this stuff with.

This is all the shit plauging my mind right now. lol I think I am going to change the direction of this blog. The more i keep up with other BDSMers, the more jealous I get. I just don’t know what direction to take it. lol Maybe interestin sexy stories or something. Blah..whatever..

 

~~jane

submission/from Kaya

This is an except form kaya’s blog… http://underhishand.com/demographics

Before Master left we were having a discussion (okay, it was a heated debate) about submission and about pain and about getting that which we need out of this relationship. And I said to Him, for the 100th time (or so I thought) that I am NOT a submissive. In a moment of brutal honesty where caution was thrown to the wind, I admitted that I HATE service, that I loathe every minute of fetching that glass of water and lotioning those feet and… the list was lengthy.

I HATE it except for when I don’t have any choice in the matter.

And this is a crucial point that He and I seem to stumble over routinely. Except for when I don’t have any choice in the matter. I do not want to submit. I don’t get pleasure out of willfully submitting. I don’t find joy in service for the sake of service.

I get pleasure out of doing it when there is an ax over my head. I find joy in it when I can weigh it against the consequence of not doing it. I am satisfied in my service when I can say to myself “cunt, you HAVE to because there is no other alternative”.

As soon as I know that, feel it, believe it, I am the happiest, most productive little slavegirl you will ever see. You take away that threat.. and I’m a deflated and angry bitch, stomping around doing shit that I hate

Wow, this was a mouth full. But it said so much I haven’t been able to figure out.

I call myself a slave, but I am not a slave. I am not owned and when I was…I wasn’t very good. Seth said I didn’t do it right. I argue that, because it is his job to train me to do things how he wants them, and to punish when they are not done right. He didn’t do that. So yes I get defiant.

But thinking about it…I am not a submissive either. What kaya said is right on…I don’t find joy in service for the sake of service…. But I do get pleasure out of it when it is forced.

I think this had a big toll on why our relationship didn’t work. I need someone who can take me..Someone who can break me and not just make idle threats. Threats are great, unless you know they are never going to follow thru.

I don’t wanna give my submission. I want it taken from me.

~~jane

Punishments and other stuff too

I have been meaning to do a post for a couple days now. For the most part I have just been to damn tired! But there were other factors. Being that half the time I have no clue what is going on.

Most the people on collarme that I have met have been very helpful. Offering a shoulder and some advice…But dear gods I met my first..troll (?) HAHA. He was sweet enough. Promised me everything me everything I wanted, and I hadn’t told him anything. But I declined as politely as I could. I may not be owned but I am married, so no thanks. He still pushed on, and on, and on…..Finally I just told him I had to go to bed. It is flattering to know that there is someone out there who can handle me and does want me. But I’m a hellva lot smarter than that.

As far as us, I don’t really know what is happening. We had talked a bit, more or less argued a bit about sex. He mentioned that he had gone three months without sex when I had the kids. (Not true by the way.) But I said if you can go three months, then what is a couple months right now. He agreed. Two months. No sex, he won’t even ask for it. Now I know this is not a slave posistion. But we are trying to work that back in and not only that, but our marriage as well. I had figured this ment no sex. Period. Well I didnt’ take into account that he would still be messing around with everything.

I admit I was dissapointed when his first order was to sit with my legs open, no pants, so he could see everything. While we eat dinner and have children running around. It wasn’t so much the order that dissapointed me, it was the fact we had talked about him thinking things through. I have been waiting to see the results of that. This was the result. sitting so everyone can see my shit? I got out of it. He did his usually pissy rutine. But later I got in trouble anyways.

I try to keep myself somewhat occupied, so there is not a chance for him to do inappropriate things with the kids around. But he made me rub cunt juice on myself, and then open up so he can see everything. Well WTF. I have always had a problem with the smell. Me personally, I do not like it. But because when I get wet the smell is so strong other people can smell it. His own mother has already told me I stink and everyone thinks so. And it comes right after having sex….go figure. So I blame this one on Sir coyote, as this is where Seth got the idea. So I didn’t hold the kids at all last night. I waited till it wore off today. Then as I am holding everything open, it wasn’t good enough…But I am a big girl and can’t reach, you would think he would get that by now. But okay I shouldn’t have snapped at him.

I bought, okay my daddy bought me clover clamps. I had told him that most the toys I have I have given to Seth as a present, so when things do end he will keep them all. So my daddy let me pick out a toy that would be mine. I had planned to save it for after the weekend when Seth got everything in order, but that didn’t happen. I knew it wouldn’t so I just gave them to him. I had hoped we would try them out together, easy and slow, cause we both have heard how harsh they are. Instead they were my punishment. He clamped one on each cunt lip and yanked the chain. I was excited about them, but not anymore. They seem to be have quarrinteened as punishment device.

Then this morning I screwed up again. Though I am not sure what I did. He usually is pretty easy on me when I have a migraine, but not this time. He ripped at my hair, and grabed my cunt with his nails. I can’t desciribe the pain I felt. Or really how it got there. his nails dug just on the outside of the hole and pulled and ripped and he squeezed harder on the gland, where I get cycst, and that’s what finally pushed me to bawl. I don’t knowwhat I did, but that sucked. It still hurts now.

What sucked is I was in a pretty bad mood yesterday and throughout the night it got better. And the first thing I wake up to is a punishment. It just shot down my good mood. I have had to fight so hard to keep okay today. But I think I did pretty good.

The cage….Well I don’t know what happened with that. Seth confirmed what I was afraid of it. Since I became zero I have wanted a cage. Sooooo Badddd. So when he decided to build one I was estacic. But I took it all the wrong way. I thought he was building it for zero, and that’s why I had gotten excited. But I was afraid he’s use it just for fucking and torture and what not.

During our fight he threw it all outside. So I guess we are not keeping it. He confirmed my fears shortly after, by telling me he didn’t want it for zero, he wanted it for torture and that was it. So in a way I guess I am glad he threw it out. But my heart still hurts.

After yesterdays round of punishments I was afraid to go to bed. I am always afraid to go to bed, but more so after all the punishment. But our oldest had other ideas. He crawled right into bed. and stayed there till Seth fell asleep.

lol They were cute both pass out with there arms in the air…Last nights fear was not over sex, just over being afraid of getting hurt again. I have not quite learned how to proccess those feeling yet. When he hurts me and does things I don’t liek my instict is to shut off. Leave my head so I’m not “there.” He doesn’t want that to happen. So I am doing my best to deal with it all.

I had more to write, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what it was.

So I guess that is it, unless I reember what I had to say..

 

~~jane

your comments

I got quite a few….not negative, but not positive comments on my last post. I don’t write bad things here that happen. I don’t want to present anyone in a bad light. The purpose of my blog is to gain knowledge on how to better our D/s relationship.

Seth is not your conventional husband. He does not work or provide. It makes a D/s relationship a bit harder when the Master, is not always the Master. He makes some bad choices, as do I. And unfortunatly hind sight is 20/20.

I do not share all my feeling on some areas because, well, they are not the friendliest of thoughts. This is not how I planned on living my life, but I am trying to make the best of it that I can. Sometimes I do think it would be best for all of us if we go our seperate ways. But when it comes down to it, his fight would be over the kids and not me. I can’t handle that hurt.

With anything, or any situation, we have to take the good with the bad. I have been doing my best to ignore the bad and submerse myself into something better. Master is not well with emotions and so I try to just keep them to myself. It keeps him happy and that keeps the fighting down. Yes, it does come to head, eventually. But after 4 years of marriage we are learning to fight a little better. And usually the fights aren’t fights, but disscussions.

Alot of these fights lately have been over BDSM. I wish I could go back and erase every having found out about it. Master is not ready to own me and be responsiable for me, and I kept pushing it. So I got hurt. That was my fault I should not have pushed it so hard. Alot of the suggestions I got from people was to find an online dominate. Someone who could dominate me without sex being a part of it. Which, honestly is what I want. But my Master would never allow it. So for the past while I have submersed myself in webblogs, TSR, and IC and just lived the fantasy in my head. I am nervouse to step back into everything with Master, but as time goes on he does get a bit better each time. I do not think I could happily live not being a slave. But I have lived, peacefully, while unhappy before.

My point of this post is…thank you for your supportive words. Especially the one that offered a couch for me if I lived closer!

You are only hearing/reading my side. And though I think I am write anyways, lol, it is still not the whole story. What relationship doesn’t have it’s drama? What relationship doesn’t have it’s screw ups?

Master is not a bad guy. When he can think with the head on his shoulders.

 

~~jane