I have had alot on my mind lately. Since thanksgiving things have kinda been in an upheaval, on my part as well as his. A couple of times we have tried to get it all going again. But it never seems to work. I try my hardest to keep up with my rule and what not, but he doesn’t seem to notice either way, so why bother. And then it all goes away again.
I do not know if discovering this BDSM thing was a good idea. I have discovered a side of me that somewhere I knew exsisted but was not sure what it was. I am a finicky person. What is good one day is not so good the next. What turns me on today will not turn me on tomorrow, but it will three days later. I am sure this drives Seth nuts to have to figure out todays mood from the next day.
Lately my thoughts are scattered. I only have to mention something sexual to Seth and he will take it a mile further. Which is part of the reason I do not ever tell him. I want brutality. And of course, Seth is ready at a whim. Researching and getting ready to preform. But the thing is, sometimes I need to be eased into things. Yes a brutal beating would be great. But what about the warm up and taking our time? It’s not like we go to bed early anyways. So no big deal in taking our time. But when it comes to the D/s part there is nothing. I spent so much time researching things for him, that he as asked me to research and, for nothing. There is nothing to show for it.
I have learned I am a masochist. I like the pain. It feels good. I like that he is dominating to me in bed. And it all makes for some good orgasms. But it has become alot deeper than that to me. I crave Seths power. It makes for a great release when I am the one who always has to be in control. I remember when we first found BDSM. Awww…those were the good days. I had rules an punishments and scenes and puppy time. It was great. But as with everything the new wore off.
Seth says it is because he forgets or there are to many everyday distractions, like kids. But when it comes to sex, he has no problem making time and not forgetting. Sex is a touchy issue for me right now. I do not feel that Seth has true feelings of love for me. I know he cares, but I doubt his love for me. It seems that most the time he only want to be with me if sex is involved, and if it’s not he tries to find a way to make involved. I have told Seth I need more out of our relationship than just sex. I would be more than content to have a happy relationship without sex. Seth said he doesn’t think he could be in a relationship that didn’t have sex. Soe what does that mean. If suddenly I could not have sex, or didn’t want to, would he leave? I do not feel very valued. We jumped way fast in our relationship and now everything we missed is catching up to us.
The D/s part has come to play an important role in our relationship. No, it has become an important role in MY relationship. I have been thinking of ways to alter things so they feel that way so I can get off and have that fantasy playing in my head seem somewhat real. I have to spend so much time fantasizing during sex that it just becomes a burden. I am trying to think of things to get and keep me going, while having to answer questions for Seth that are hard for me to say and trying to get off…And it all is just fucked. Sex is already hard because everytime I have to masterbate to get anywhere. It cracks me up with Seth bitches about have to pull out or masterbate instead. Fuck, I have to do that every single time!
I am a masochist. Pain does it for me. But there has to be something more. Seth is all kinds of dominate in bed. But that is not what does it for me. It is outside the bed that gets me excited. And what I spend so much time fantasizing about. D/s is a very sexualized lifestyle and it turns everything sexual. Wearing a collar, using the words, Master or Sir. Knowing that someone OWNS you has has final say in what happens. This are all very erotic. So without all this, it just makes the sex seem like a game. A joke. An excuse to play the dominate one.
Seth said he wanted to tie me up and massage me with lotion and beat the crap out of me. So I thought about that. It would be nice to be taken care of like that. But when it came down to it, it was just beating and sex. I know, What did I expect? But I had HOPED for more. And then rather than sticking to this it was all about what could be added to it…role play or something else.
Why can’t sex just be sex? Why can’t we say what we mean and mean what we say?
I have alot of fantasy ideas floating around. Some I have told Seth. Like, I like it when instead of the big booming voice to just whisper to me. It is very sweet and yet still so demanding. I told him I liked the idea of being duct taped up..We were talking about kind of a rape/takedown/fightback…thing. lol I just mentioned it to him and let him take from there. Now I know I can not be disappointed when it doesn’t go the way I saw it in my head when I didn’t actually say what I was thinking. I should have fully explained that i wanted to fight and have him duct tape my hands and maybe even my mouth. He thinks a girl crying while giving head is hot..but a girl crying with duct tape over her mouth and crying..mmm…lol But that scene was fucked anyway. I told Seth I was to hurt and he pushed it anyways, so it was all the bad pain.
There are things I miss in our relationship…Normal, just drift away beatings, puppy time, love, affection, time, but most of all I miss the D/s. Sex is just a burden without it. It is just pretend dominance to me. I think if Seth admitted he doesn’t want to do D/s I could adjust to that. But he keeps saying he does. So I do not know where this puts me anymore.
We talked about sub-space today. I remember very clearly the first and only time I was allowed to just drift away. We were playing with was and he was painting it on me. I could not have sex for what ever reason and he knew this so it was just play and that was it. (I wish I could have more of that) I have a sweet spot on my hip and he found it and kept letting the paint drip there from the paint brush. So at first it was hot and hurt and sort of just melted away…The whole time he was holding the chest harness i had on and was kneeling beside me on the bed. He had rocked me back and forth in the motion like I was being fucked and using the wax on my hip…Oh how quickly I drifted away! It was so great! I misawell have had an orgasm, for how good it all felt. Otherthan that I am not usually allowed to just drift away. I have come close sometimes during the old beatings I used to get. But he always wanted me o say things that are unnatural for me to say and it keeps me out. I don’t get beating like that anymore, it is traight to the cane and harsher shit.
So I guess that is it for now. A friend suggested doing a fantasy blog…Not a seprate one, but just like..on wensdays to do a blog about fantasy ideas. So maybe I will try that.
Anyways, I am sure there is much more I wanted to say I am just not sure how to word any of it right now. I’ll get back to it though. lol
~~jane
