I found this at steel door. It is amazing. It explains how I feel..how I have been feeling. I have been so hurt and upset. I have felt so alone. Our marriage is taking a toll from it all to. Seth has never been in love with me and our marriage has never been great.
I took a break from sex, it wasn’t the intent. The intent was to work on the D/s without the sex involved, So I could see that Seth was serious. He wasn’t. He just wanted the sex, and that hurt so much. It still does. He has never been able to keep a promise to me, I shouldn’t have expected this to be any diffrent. So It, in a way, is my fault for letting myself get my hopes up.
We fucked around today. It felt good to come. I needed it. And because I have been so on egde with it all, I have multiple orgasms, which I normally don’t. So it’s nice. I have caught myself fantasizing about the clover clamps when I masterbate. Granted it’s only been a couple times in the last month. Seth gets privacy in the shower, but I don’t any privacy. So I give up, and just take advantage when I do get a second.
I have tried to explain to Seth how I feel. How hurt and depressed I am over this. Every ones advice to to find an outside dom or an online dom. I think that would be great. Completely non sexual. But Seth doesn’t want me to. He has to find a way to keep me unhappy and then gets mad when I am unhappy. It’s a no win situation. We had a pretty bad blow out yesterday. I got a full-blown migraine. It hurt so bad, I couldn’t stop crying, but it hurt more to cry. All i wanted to do was lay my head down, and he was sleeping, So I told him to go sleep in bed. And he blew up. Screaming that I never think of him.
OMg I always think of him. My holidays suck ass, cause he and the kids get all the money. I start planning his and the kids b-days a couple months before..He is just now looking at what to do for mine..and now there is no money. I am learning to get by this and just pretend happy. But the point is..I always think of him. I can’t help these migraines. They are bad. And as bad as I was hurting last night, all he still cared about was getting laid.
I hate my life so much. I wish it would just end and be done with.
I am rambling…Here is the excerpt from steel door, I recommend any one else going through release to check out the whole article.
http://www.steel-door.com/Coping.html
A submissive being dismissed faces equally devastating feelings. Many tend to focus blame upon themselves when in fact the ending of the relationship may not have anything to do with anything they can control. They may feel discarded, used, reduced, and even toyed with. Coping with these feelings which may also include personal betrayal can be very hard. A submissive can invest everything in their belief in their Dominant. That investment may be poorly placed in some cases. Coping with all these feelings can seem insurmountable.
they experience it much like a death. Into a relationship they may invest their hopes, dreams, desires, expectations, and plans for the future. They probably have invested time, money and effort as well. Many have made great changes to be ‘with’ this person and at that point it may appear to them to have been a waste. In addition, in some ways the D/s realm contains an inordinate amount of hope. I sometimes call this ‘the promise’. When we are young we create an image of ‘the one’. That special person with whom we will find pleasure, laughter, and a shoulder to cry on. With a relationship we invest into ‘the promise’. When that ‘promise’ breaks, we feel cast away or discarded. These emotions and feelings flow to both sides of a relationship. It is my view that D/s requires both people to invest more, trust, respect, accountability and responsibility.
It is impossible to offer a wide range of ‘absolutes’ when considering how best to cope with such events. The variables among us are too great for one thing to work for everyone. However, I do believe that the person initiating the breakup should or perhaps must sit down and communicate to their partner in non-inflamatory words why or how they have reached this point. It is my believe that understanding, even when it is painful, aids in healing. It is better to know than to guess. In addition I think it is important for both people to attempt to maintain a modicum of personal dignity, respect and care for their ex-partner. It is not necessary for there to be hurtful words, denigration or disrespect. This is someone you once loved or thought you loved. They may become a lifelong friend or they may move off into different paths. Closure in an adult fashion is the least hurtful to both.
Expect to feel anger, hurt, pain, depression and sorrow in the aftermath. Expect healing to take a long time. It is important to have friends outside of your former mate to talk to and express your feelings with. If your depression is very deep then you should access a competent psyche professional for therapy and help. Consider it similar to mourning a death. It will take time and effort to recover.
If you are a submissive who has asked for release. Even if this is your decision you will feel all the same emotions of loss and anguish. You may know your reasons and have considered everything thoroughly but you will still face emptiness and a hollow feeling of abandonment. As I have noted elsewhere, a submissive and a Dominant ‘bond’ to each other in ways beyond love or even a vanilla marriage. This bond may or may not end even when you make the ‘mental’ decisions to leave. You may still experience the same needs and desires. You may find yourself vacillating even though you know that the relationship is not forward moving for you or positive. A Dominant can feel these same connectors. In addition many will feel a continued obligation to ‘protect’ submissives long after that submissive has moved away into other relationships. The linkage may never truly end and that is something that both sides need to be cognizant of especially if their relationship moves into one of friendship. It can be easy to slip back into familiar roles later on when other traumas occur in their lives and they look to those they care about to help them through it.
Perhaps the hardest relationships to cope with are those that are based on flawed understanding. People tend to hear what they want to hear and ignore what they do not want to hear. They can build up a new relationship into something huge when it has not earned the right to be considered that way. For some this may be meeting someone once or twice then nothing. Contact ends or responses become short and unemotional. At that point the person will feel that they have been used. It becomes obvious to them that ‘their’ perception of the nature of the relationship was very different than the person they have invested in. This creates huge feelings of self-doubt in their personal judgment. These types of things cannot be completely avoided as we are not telepathic nor can we always discern the lies from the truth. However, whenever possible both people should proceed slowly. There is no rush to play. If a person is real, time is the friend. If they are into ‘getting their needs met’, there will be intense pressure to play quickly. So, avoid that pressure. If that pressure is coming from you, examine to see if you are being honest with your partner. If you are being pressured ‘to play right away’, step back and see if that meets your ideas or goals. If you are into short term casual play state it honestly. There is no shame in wanting what you want. There is shame in lying to get what you want at the expense of other peoples feelings.
~~jane
