The downlow

Well, How is everyone? I miss talking to you all. Nothing much is going on. I have gotten into a comfortable rut in my depression. Not that it’s ever comfortable, but atleast not so much of the pain gets through, and I am a bit better at keeping it hidden.

Seth asked me if it was over. And also if I was only with him cause I had no where else to go. Well, the first question kills me. Like I am the one that decided I didn’t want to be his slave anymore! I am slowing getting rid of the things in my life that became so natural. dumb things. lol Like I would check out TSR and IC everyday, I don’t anymore. I want to atleast put away the toys, but I haven’t touched that subject with him yet.

The second question was a bit more complicated. I told him I think so. It hurt to say it out loud. But why else am I still sitting here? I love him, I really do. I don’t think I will ever have what I had with him, with anyone else. But I don’t have anything with him anymore. We have sex maybe once a week, and I don’t even want that. The sex is boring, it’s good, but it was so much more, and it meant more. Now it is the same routine each time. And I end up laying more remembering than fantazising about times before. I told him the truth, how I felt. After that he dropped it, like I never said anything at all.

He shaved and everything and finally brushed his teeth. He kissed me and said how much he loves kissing me…WTF? Couldn’t prove that by me! It’s the first time he’s kissed me in like two months.

So yeah, that’s me.

Ciaro had kittens today. 6 total. One if very runty, another is kinda broken. It couldn’t hold it’s head up and at one point it’s leg was twisted around. It turned it back, but it pretty much just army crawls. We’ll see how he does tonight. Ciaro seems to be doing good, but there is alot of blood this time. So we are keeping an eye on her.

anyways…I’m probably going to waste away in front of this damn computer. lol I have no urge to do anything else. So I play games to stay away from the bdsm site.

Have you ever heard of addiction solitaire? OMG it’s addicting!

~~jane

Fin

I am particularyly lonely today. I have stayed off the pc most the day. I needed interaction. But as usual the video games wins over me. It always has.

I joined a group for submissives, and finally got accepted yesterday. Perhaps I am to trusting, but I poured my heart out. Everything I am feeling right now. We are headed for a fight. Give it a couple weeks and things will blow up. Part of the not having sex was to work on the D/s. There hasn’t been any D/s at all, just him trying to get in my pants. So I know when this is over and I have to give in to him he is going to try to bring it back…And I am not going to let it.

That is what pisses me off about the stupid games. He has all this time to read up and get advice and plan out how to do things. Learn what he wants out of all this. But the game is more important. So….Unless someone else comes along in my life I think I just done.

This BDSM shit has consumed my life. It is everything that I am now, Everything that I want to be. And it hurts more now than ever to be teased with it.

The puppy is great. He makes me happy. And occupys my mind. And he is a good boy too!

So that’s my rant for now.

 

~~jane