Confusion

Things are kinda up in the air. I tried to explain my feelings in my last post to Seth and he wouldn’t listen. Or didn’t understand. Which ever…we didn’t get anywhere.

I have been thinking things through, alot. You all know how bad I want this. How bad I want all of it. But when it comes down to it, Seth wants the sex. And I am not submissive. So that puts us in a very….weird place. I don’t event hink weird is the word. But I don’t know what is. I absolutly envy some of the people I read. Like kittens blog. They have a real relationship. She has her bad days, and he his. But she is an honest submissive. And him, an honest dominate. Things are talked through and punishments are given, and they move on with their day.

Nothing, no matter what it is, is as good as it was origianly was. The newness wears off. Things get old and stale. Fact is…I do not take orders well. Many have said I should be the dominate in our position. And that is peobably true. But Seth would not be a submissive to me. He wouldn’t like it. He wouldn’t like the things I would require of him. And that’s okay. I do not take well to giving orders and punishment.

So where the hell does this put things? Put us? Seth doesn’t agree with my way of thinking. He thinks the only way to get it back is to dive in. But where are we diving? His orders so far have been sex and to walk around a table 5 times. I don’t want that. I don’t want sex. He knows I don’t and still is pushing so hard that I am back to praying my kids wake up, and not wanting them to leave the house. Just to have a reason to say we can’t. I know..tell him you don’t want it. I do. He knows. We talked about it. And we agreed, when I want it, I will let him know. I haven’t told him I want it.

I hate that things are so complicated. Why can’t two people just love each enough to want to make each other happy? Why can’t I ever be happy? Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and leave. I need to be where I feel cared for. I need to feel safe, not afraid. Not used.

~~jane

Just an update

There hasn’t been much happening around here. We tore the house apart a shampooed all the carpets. So things are just now getting back to some order. We still have not gotten anywhere. I am not a slave to anyone. I still have my submissive moments. I find those seem to happen when I need some love. Usually I just lock my self away in the computer and morn my loses and turn green to the blogs I read. not very productive, I know. But I have read all I can read and researched all I can research. All that is left is for Seth to step up and start studing. He doesn’t seem interested. He is more into his PC for the video games. I deal. I have become accostomed to not being owned again. This is life and I have to take what I get. Cause, just like with anything else, my family comes first.

Sex has been awkward for me. I don’t want it at all. I just want to be held and loved on. But Seth has decided he can not love me with out sex. We went a whole week and a half with out it and everything blew up. He booted me and our daughter out and that even flopped. The only place I had to go, the only friend I have, was way to occupied with herself. We ended up walking home at 5 in the morning. Seth met us and walked home with us.

Nothing has really been talked about. I wrote him a letter and told him what I want, what I need. I wrote alot, but none of it would have mattered to him, so I only gave him the part about what I need. He never said anything about any of it, so I’m guessing he didn’t like what I had to say.

Anyways, back to the sex…it sucks. Even if I am in the mood. There are things I did as his slave that was not normal for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we have ever had “normal” sex. LOL But as his slave it made it okay to enjoy the weird things. I guess I kind of expect things to be more loving now that we are just husband and wife. We have not had loving sex in…..um….fuck I can’t even remember. At least since I had our daughter. Once we found out about the BDSM scene it’s been all mean sex. Sometimes I miss the older days. Before kids, before BDSM, before marriage….Things were simplier. We still had alot of problems, just now we seem to have even more.

BI am not his slave and I should be able to say no. You jack off in the shower anyways, so you don’t need to fuck me. But it’s not worth the fight. This last fight we got into, I left everything up to him. It is always up to me what to do. And that is alot of pressure on somebody. When he booted us I was so hurt. When ever that sort of stuff comes up, I end up thinking about our past and what to do next and what I’ll miss and stuff like that. So when all he can say is that he wants to keep my baby boy, it’s cuts deeper than that fight ever could. I was proud of him for decided to do what he wanted. Alot of the time I feel he would rather be single again. He doesn’t want the responsiablity of the kids or of me. I know I am high matinance. I don’t mean to be, but I am a needy person. I need to be loved, I need to be alone, I need to be held, I need to cry…..The list goes on.

Alot of the time when we get into fights that bad, I wish he would step up and just go. I am always left with the dicision of what to do and how to fix it. And I don’t know anymore. I don’t think we can be fixed. We make it work till one of us screws up and then it’s all back down hill. I don’t think we will be able to handle much more in the fighting department. Even with this medicine I am getting more and more depressed. My life is nothing that I pictured.

I have been craving time with my dad. He is so sick right now and I am afraid of losing him, without telling him everything I need to. But I am not the important one in his life anymore, so I do not take precedence. But he always knows how to make me feel loved, and he never minds spending time with me, even if it is just cuddling and talking.

I have so much more to vent out of my head. But it hurts to think of all these things. So I am gonna call it good for now. lol Before my eyes swell shut.hehe

Elizabeth

Is it possiable to love more than one?

So like usual there is not a whole to say tonight. The kids are in bed, but not asleep. One is just whiney, the other is scared of the dark tonight. Guess we are going to have to start watching what we watch around him.

I’m not feeling so hot and it’s making me a bit nervous. I started my meds today. They aren’t new, just more of them. And anti depressants can make you even more depressed. So I have to watch how the next few days go.

I talked to my ex girlfriend last night. We have been talking on and off for a while. I am confused on whether or not to talk to her, cause I still love her. But I know my head needs to be in my family, not the what could have beens, or maybes. So I promised myself not to confuse them. She is a friend now and that is all. I try to keep things with her on a friendly basis. Which means no serious talks about sex or our previous relationship. Well…that all went down hill last night.

She text me yesterday and off and on most the day, she was being pretty mushy. So last night she called and we talked. We talked about the things we missed about each other. And the feeling and the emotions and good times. Of course, here comes Master trodding in the room to get a crop and a cane and ropes. So..We ended up have sex while she was on the phone. She wasn’t at home, so she stayed quiet. The sex was good, but weird, so it was…weird.lol I don’t know how else to discribe it. I asked her about it afterward. She said she liked it and missed hearing my whines and moans.

I don’t know how Seth feels about her. I never, ever what him to be threatened by her. But sometimes I think he is. He is the first guy I have been with since I was 17, the rest have been girls and she was my first love and I still love her today. But I would never trade anything for my family. Is is possiable to love two people like that? And it actually be okay.

She says tonight…”I feel like it’s a new relationship, with the dumb butterflies everytime I hear your voice. I want you and only you to be my girl.”

Well what the hell do you say to that? I love you to, but I’m married and it’s not an open relationship? I love you too? I want you to be mine?

What about all the complications if it was an open relationship. Having you ever seen Chasing Amy? She talks about all the jealousy issues and what if she makes a diffrent noise with one or the other..and all this stuff… You never realize how true that stuff is. I avoid talking about her coming to visit. But I want nothing more. Not to pull away from Master, but to be with with someone I love just as much. I have to fight not to convince her to come.

I’m so cunfucked right now….

~~jane