LJ

I thought this one deserved it’s own post. I figured some of you would like it:

your comments

I got quite a few….not negative, but not positive comments on my last post. I don’t write bad things here that happen. I don’t want to present anyone in a bad light. The purpose of my blog is to gain knowledge on how to better our D/s relationship.

Seth is not your conventional husband. He does not work or provide. It makes a D/s relationship a bit harder when the Master, is not always the Master. He makes some bad choices, as do I. And unfortunatly hind sight is 20/20.

I do not share all my feeling on some areas because, well, they are not the friendliest of thoughts. This is not how I planned on living my life, but I am trying to make the best of it that I can. Sometimes I do think it would be best for all of us if we go our seperate ways. But when it comes down to it, his fight would be over the kids and not me. I can’t handle that hurt.

With anything, or any situation, we have to take the good with the bad. I have been doing my best to ignore the bad and submerse myself into something better. Master is not well with emotions and so I try to just keep them to myself. It keeps him happy and that keeps the fighting down. Yes, it does come to head, eventually. But after 4 years of marriage we are learning to fight a little better. And usually the fights aren’t fights, but disscussions.

Alot of these fights lately have been over BDSM. I wish I could go back and erase every having found out about it. Master is not ready to own me and be responsiable for me, and I kept pushing it. So I got hurt. That was my fault I should not have pushed it so hard. Alot of the suggestions I got from people was to find an online dominate. Someone who could dominate me without sex being a part of it. Which, honestly is what I want. But my Master would never allow it. So for the past while I have submersed myself in webblogs, TSR, and IC and just lived the fantasy in my head. I am nervouse to step back into everything with Master, but as time goes on he does get a bit better each time. I do not think I could happily live not being a slave. But I have lived, peacefully, while unhappy before.

My point of this post is…thank you for your supportive words. Especially the one that offered a couch for me if I lived closer!

You are only hearing/reading my side. And though I think I am write anyways, lol, it is still not the whole story. What relationship doesn’t have it’s drama? What relationship doesn’t have it’s screw ups?

Master is not a bad guy. When he can think with the head on his shoulders.

 

~~jane

Is it possiable to love more than one?

So like usual there is not a whole to say tonight. The kids are in bed, but not asleep. One is just whiney, the other is scared of the dark tonight. Guess we are going to have to start watching what we watch around him.

I’m not feeling so hot and it’s making me a bit nervous. I started my meds today. They aren’t new, just more of them. And anti depressants can make you even more depressed. So I have to watch how the next few days go.

I talked to my ex girlfriend last night. We have been talking on and off for a while. I am confused on whether or not to talk to her, cause I still love her. But I know my head needs to be in my family, not the what could have beens, or maybes. So I promised myself not to confuse them. She is a friend now and that is all. I try to keep things with her on a friendly basis. Which means no serious talks about sex or our previous relationship. Well…that all went down hill last night.

She text me yesterday and off and on most the day, she was being pretty mushy. So last night she called and we talked. We talked about the things we missed about each other. And the feeling and the emotions and good times. Of course, here comes Master trodding in the room to get a crop and a cane and ropes. So..We ended up have sex while she was on the phone. She wasn’t at home, so she stayed quiet. The sex was good, but weird, so it was…weird.lol I don’t know how else to discribe it. I asked her about it afterward. She said she liked it and missed hearing my whines and moans.

I don’t know how Seth feels about her. I never, ever what him to be threatened by her. But sometimes I think he is. He is the first guy I have been with since I was 17, the rest have been girls and she was my first love and I still love her today. But I would never trade anything for my family. Is is possiable to love two people like that? And it actually be okay.

She says tonight…”I feel like it’s a new relationship, with the dumb butterflies everytime I hear your voice. I want you and only you to be my girl.”

Well what the hell do you say to that? I love you to, but I’m married and it’s not an open relationship? I love you too? I want you to be mine?

What about all the complications if it was an open relationship. Having you ever seen Chasing Amy? She talks about all the jealousy issues and what if she makes a diffrent noise with one or the other..and all this stuff… You never realize how true that stuff is. I avoid talking about her coming to visit. But I want nothing more. Not to pull away from Master, but to be with with someone I love just as much. I have to fight not to convince her to come.

I’m so cunfucked right now….

~~jane

A good fuck

Hello!

Today is kinda crappy. Master and I spent all last week cleaning house for inspection and in one morning Bub distroyed it. Uggg!!

Master is interested in doing an interrogation scene. So I have been researching all I can. I think we have the basics down. Though we are still alittle preplexed on how to get it started. Master was planning on doing it last night. But we decided it would be best to wait till the kids aren’t home. So we put it on hold. But while talking about it we ended up looking online for anything else to help us. We ended up watching a porn on the pc called Real BDSM. I don’t really care for porn, but tis one was actually kinda hot. lol

So from there it went to fucking. Atleast a good hour, hour and a half. Master had me in doggy using my hair to direct my movements and using the crop on my pussy. It was a normal fuck with the beating and what not. When it came time for me to cum though…

Master put clothes pins on my pussy lips and fucked me with bam bam, while I had a bullet on my clit. just as I started to O he pulled those pins off….Oh the rush of sensation was awsome! The orgasm died out quickly, but for a minute, it felt so unbelievably good.

LOL

It was a good fuck last night, but I am paying the price today. My head hurts so bad!!

So that is it for now. lol Just wanted to share.haha

~~jane

Blah

So I do not have much to write today. It is one of those days you know?! Well more like one of those weeks. I have been sick for about a week now…and not the sniffling, runny nose, coughing, congestion thing…NOOOOO I can’t get out the fucking bathroom!

It has kinda put a hold on things. I thing we are still in slave mode, not really sure. For once I am greatful Seth is not taking full advantage of me. I’d probably die if I actually had to do anything, my tummy hurts so bad.

We had another fight scene, right before I got sick. It didn’t go to well. It was more of a rape scene than a fight scene. But it was alright. We had issues with the tape. I have a lot of scars on my wrist and the tape on them kills me. So we need to work something out for that before next time.

Other than that…That is pretty much it. I don’t really have anything else. Seth has made a friend with a slave sisters Master. So hopefully there will be some good advice and what not.

~~jane