My wonderful life…

So things……are…ok? Seth and I spent time talking and it seemed productive, but I’ve been wrong before. I have made it a point to convey my needs to him. Such as the need for abuse. I like to be beat around and hit and kicked and all that. Not something I have ever thought about till I read about it. I take that back..I have thought about Seth hitting me. Perhaps provoking it in a bad way, but that was before all BDSM stuff. I think Seth is still trying to get comfortable with the idea that it is okay to beat on me. And I am doing my best to be patient. How the hell do you spell that properly?

I have a hard time telling Seth what I like. Partially because I am shy and embarrassed that I want to be hurt, or I want to treated this way or that. But is because I also want Seth to understand that sometimes things I say are just fantasy.

OH God I’m turning pervy.

Master has incorperated a rule that I masterbate each night. It’s not for the sake of pleasure, though. It’s so I can learn how to. lol I havent’ been able to get myslef off in forever. But this brought up another problemI have to masterbate everyday, and to do that I have to use a vibrating bullet…In turn, I end up bruised from having to push so hard, and then having to go fuck…God I hurt so bad!!I suggested to Seth that maybe a few nights I just use my hand instead of a vibrator. This means I won’t get to cum as often, but it’s supposed to be about learning, right? Master has not given his thoughts on this yet. I think he forgot, but I am taking as..he is taking time to think it through. That is what I am telling myself anyways.

As far as the D/s goes, not much is happening. It’s still be all about the sex. But I was good and told him this. I don’t think it made a diffrence, but I spoke up. It seem the only rule I have is to make his coffee. Not my idea of service, but it’s suppossed to be his idea of service. I am not clouded with the idea of slavery anymore. Ideas of sitting onthe floor and gracefulness and all the beauty. I’m not blinded by that anymore, though for a moment I was…

Master put on my music for a scene and beat me..cane…flogger…crop. But he would stop adn run his hands over my body..and now…the thoughts of leave me shuddering. It wasn’t even nessiccarly a sexual turn on, But a moment that made me FEEL that he loved me. It was chick-flick-movie passionate. And that was hot. I don’t expect things like that often. Seth doesn’t like to show that he loves me. And I am coming to terms with that. I still have my boughts of jealousy, why can’t my Master love me that much…but I am working on it. I am trying to stop telling Seth about the things I read that make me jealous. I store them and use them for my own fantasy when I am try to get off when I am stuck fucking.

Who knows if I will be with Seth forever, some times I doubt it. But I am doing my best to improve my slavery, myself. To make myself a better slave and submissive. Someday if I ever have another master, it would be far down the road, But I know I would be better prepared. namaste offers great advice, as well as the other girls on her sight…exquisit enslavement….on bettering oursleves to serve.

So that was my ramble for today. lol Thoughts in my head and crap and stuff..yeah

~~jane

Masterbation Mondays

So on Monday Seth decided to incorprate this idea. I do not know if it was meant for Mondays only. But the idea was to try and get some sex drive back in me. I have been ansty about it. I do not normally do it at all. And when i have it is private. Nobody’s home and whatever. Well I have the free time. All alone. Seth either watches the kids or we wait for them to go to bed. And I have a half an hour in the bedroom, alone.

So yesterday being the first time. I felt so akward. I keep listening for him to be out the door or for a kid to cry. Anything to distract me. Seth does not give me any task. This is the first one since he was working, then it was a couple essays now and then. Anyways, needless to say it did not go well. I tried, not whole heartedly, mind you, but I tried and didn’t get nowhere.

Now when I read about other slaves masterbating they use some sort of other tools that they like…dildo, clamps, bondage… So I thought about that. Well maybe I could use some clothes pins or something. But then as soon as I did, Seth would come in, or something would happen… So I didn’t. I tried fantasizing. But what the hell do you fatasize about? All muy dreams lately are puppy play, but I do not sexualise that at all. So I try to focus on things Seth has done in the past. But nothing really sticks out…Ohh cept this one time…But yeah there was no sex involved, that is why it meant so much to me. It is also the first (and last) time I got to subspace. But again there wasn’t sex, so that didn’t work. I finally turned on the porn he set up for me…Have you ever noticed how gay porns are? Not gay porn..but normal porn is gay. lol It just not real and that makes it boring. Plus watching that all I can think of is that he liked this more than me. It wasn’t working..lol So I went to admit defeat and take my shower. Of course that wasn’t allowed. We ended up fucking, but it was okay. Seth made me tell him that I liked being punched and like I said in the abuse post I have a hard time saying what it is I want. That alone made me cry. Alot of times after I have an orgasm, I still have that built up pressure and Seth found that if I sit on my knees with my back to him he can….um…hehe…finger it out of me.. lmao!!

I cried trying to ask for it, but he did it for me. That was nice. And he got his of course. He hit me with the cane and I think the crop to make me cry. He was good about it and held me afterward. Pain scenes don’t mean so much to me with out the dynamic, but it was still okay.

So that was my Masterbation Monday. lol

~~jane