Confusion and disorder

BE WARNED. tHE FOLLOWING POST IS ALOT OF JUMBLES THAT PROBABLY MAKE NOW SENSE. iT IS JUST SHIT FLOATING IN MY HEAD AND HURTING ME…AND i NEEDED TO SPIT IT ALL OUT.

I don’t really have anything to say. Doc put me on a new medication and so far…no good. The other medication was…wearing Off…not working…Something along those lines. I’ve been starting to fall back into having to fight back tears all day long. Just to make sure Seth doesn’t ask what wrong. Cause, honestly, I don’t wanna talk about it. I am done talking about it.

The new med I have taken tonight for the first time. And now, about an hour later, I have dissovled into tears. Maybe it’s just my depression getting the best of me. We had a bit of a blow up today. I don’t even remember how it started. But it took off because he decided he would try to take charge of me. I asked him, what the hell for? For real. He doesn’t like that I vent on my blog. So he stopped reading it. It served a good use. It opened the lines of communication for us. But that does no good if he doesn’t read it. But there is a good side too! Without him reading it, I am free to be more open about my feelings…

I don’t see much potential in our relationship. He wants sex. I don’t. What does that leave? Yeah, well the normal answer would be alot. But it’s not. That is all he is here for is the sex. Without it he just plays video games all the time.

I have been reading a blog today. The whole blog all day lol..Unfortunatly I can’t find the link now. But it DesprateHusband. Him and his wife are disconnected. She seems to no longer have an intrest in him and he talks about his stuggles with it and his affair.

I haven’t had an affair. I have cheated once. It was a revenge move and not good one, I admit. I didn’t feel guilty at first. I wanted to tell him and rub it in his face…Maybe then he could hurt as bad as I did. But the guilt set it. I didn’t want him to feel like I did. I felt hated and unloved and suicidal. Nobody should have to feel that way. So I couldn’t find the right time to tell him. It eventually came out and he was mad. Understandably.

I couldn’t have an affair. I could never be that untrue to someone. I have been through hell. I read about the way this guy was feeling. His wife didn’t want sex. Would rarely kiss him or show affection. That is who I am turning into to. I don’t want affection. It just makes it all hurt more. But that is all he is is sex. Him jacking off in the shower and reading porn in the bathroom and erotica and sex games on the pc. That is who he is. So, says a friend, if you cut him off (for you own sake, of course) He will eventually just look elsewhere.

I am too the point I do not care. He still liked his ex girlfriend. He liked my sisters friend. He liked my sister. He liked girl that showed up at his work. He like girls on the internet. He will always like other people. Skinnier, pretty people.

I have feared that because I don’t put out he will find somebody else. I dye my hair red, because my sisters friend had red hair, and he showed such an intrest in her. I tell him when I am on my way home so I don’t catch him with anybody at home or online. I am trying so hard for this surgery for him.

I do all this to try to be what he wants. But all he wants from me is sex. I never thought, as fat girl, I would ever say that. lol

So many people tell me I have a choice…I can be miserable for the rest of my life or I can move on and do what makes me happy. I don’t even know what makes me happy. Being stable and not living off the goverment would make me very happy. Not worring about losing my home would make me happy. I guess I do know a few things.

I have no point to this post. I’m all fucked up right now, and just needed to spill what is in my head. I can’t really hope for the passion to come back. There never was any. We have had some passionate sex, but there has never really been passion in our marriage. It’s always about who we can add to the bedroom and what dirty thing I can do for him.

I don’t think leaving is an option for me. I don’t think staying is an options for me. I know a break isn’t an option for me. I am optionless. lol

A note to lily and some stuff on D

So yesterday was full of alot of crap! D was in a kind of abusive relationship, so when she found out Seth grounded me from my phone (That is spend talking to her and my dad) She flipped out. And Reg was with her, so she found out and niether of them know much about the lifestyle. D has seen some of my trophy marks and she understands the sexual kink but she has become worried it is more of an abusive thing when it hit out side the bedroom.

Seth and I were still fighting last night and not talking a whole when Dfinally decided to talk to me. I ignored her call for a while and finally talked to her.Right of the bat it was screaming and yelling. Mostly she is just being a good friend and was concerned for my safety. (Thank you.) I tried to explain to her that I didn’t know Seth was going to tell her that he grounded me…And that didn’t help, she was flipping that I should have know that she would have know something was up when he answered my phone….Seth never answers my phone. So we yelled and cried for a few minutes and then said our sorries. She offered to take me out tonight to spend sometime together but, as usual, that fell through.

I tell D quite a bit about my life. She is my only friend. For most of she is understanding. She knows I choose to be his slave. She knows I want things stricter than they are. But she doesn’t understand it all. I can not come out and tell her, I like the abuse..I wish there was more of it. Though she is somewhat of an emotional masochist..I think I am a little bigger one and she doesn’t see how I want it to go that far. I think it has come down to a need to know basis. I will censer my self when I speak to her about my relationship.

So yeah…that was my rant on D…

To answer lily…

I have medication for my migraines. I do not take them cause they make me fall asleep or not be very coherent and Seth doesn’t like it. So I try not to take them often, and just deal with the pain.

I can not get rid of D. She is all I have. Though there have been times I am ready to just throw in the towel with her. She shapes up and reminds me that I need her. And I do. She is the only one that understands my insanities…If I go and tell my father I her voices and I see things he is gonna want to throw me in a hospitol to..But D, she is a friend..she listens and offers help and advice…And sometimes she just lets me cry. And I need that.

~~jane